So my internet has been out, and oh my god, I missed you all sooooo much! Right now i'm at school using their internet, and so writing a post. :) I have a lot to say since I haven't been on here...
My weight as of this morning is 165.6!!! Yes! soon I will be under 165, then in the 150s! I'm so happy about this. I am seriously so excited to loose more. I ate some chicken today...but don't wanna eat anymore. Kinda getting a headache, and for some reason it's harder for me to starve when my head hurts, :( but we'll see. :)
Went to six flags and saw Sick Puppies! :) It was amazing!!! I got an autograph for the guy I like (the one who is 21 and rides bmx) and me and Amber got a picture with Shimon after the show! No one else got pics with any of them cause they were only doing autographs. When the park was closing, I saw him walk past us and I told him they played a great show, and asked for a hug and he gave me a hug. :) then Amber told him about how she couldn't get an autograph earlier because the security people wouldn't let her back in, so he asked if we had pens and we didn't so he toke a pic with us instead! It was awesome.
I really don't wanna stay here much longer. haha. I finished everything I had to do here today. When my internet is back, which should be soon, I will comment on your posts.
And thanks to Camille and Leighton for following me :) I'm so happy you both enjoy my blog so much!
Next time I post I will be under 165.
<3 Toxic
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
In it for the long haul.
Today has been amazing. intake wise. I had a spoonful of seafood salad and a piece of pizza this morning. that's it. maybe...250 cals, idk. I haven't eaten in hours. Won't eat for the rest of the day, which is a long while since I work at 8 until 4am, but I am confident I can do this.
Thank you Jess for keeping me on track today! :)
I biked 8 miles too! still, wish I would've done 10. If I can't sleep when I get home I will bike another 5 or so at 4am. haha that is so early! :D I just didn't want to be too tired for work. also been up since 8am this morning.
I finally got my finical aid stuff all turned in. So now I just have to wait for them to review it so I know how much money I will receive this year. (Hope it's a lot!) I don't want loans. :(
I haven't weighed myself since Yesterday. I won't weigh myself til this Tuesday, cause I'm afraid if I don't see lots of progress I will get depressed and it will lead to a binge, and we don't want that. no, no not at all! The suspense is killing me however, I keep the scale in my room (I have hard floors) and I keep looking at it.
Yesterday was horrible. I binged like a fat cow. I was so full it was making me sick of myself. So, what did I do? The one thing I promised I'd never do. I puked til I couldn't no more. It was gross and pink cause the seafood salad yesterday and mac and cheese and chicken. Ya, like I said, binged like a cow. I turned on the sink faucet, but mom and friend still heard. My mom asked me all serious "Are you a bulimic or anorexic?" "No!" then my friend said all jokingly "You wouldn't deny it if you didn't have a problem" (Laughed it off) "I'm just sick, the food got to me. I haven't felt good all day, and was sick yesterday too." (lies) "Do you know where the thermometer is? I hope you're not running a fever." My mom being worried. "Nope." Then I sat on the couch watching tv with them and they forgot about it :)
Later I fell asleep on the couch (around 4pm.) She came home and saw me there and told me to go to bed. So I did haha, working these weird hours is fucking up my sleep. She think it was cause I'm sick too. So no more worries. I just need to watch with the constantly calling myself fat in front of her.
I also decided to quit smoking pot. All it does is waste my money and make me get munchies and binge :( so I'm done, at least for a while.
I made a big binder today with all my goals. it's all organised with little things under each goal on how to achieve them, like mini goals :) I will be able to go to Japan this summer if I follow my goal list and save my money. I'm so excited. I miss Japan and all my friends there. My Japanese has gotten a little rusty though. Should be better after a semester in the Spring at my new college. Yep, I'm gonna work on transferring. Which means I must pass all 5 of my classes with excellent grades. Nothing below a B. These goals are also in there.
That's all for now. Just some quick comment replies and thinspo
<3 Toxic
Comments-
@lulu-Yeah, isn't being a redhead great?!?! I love my new red hair!
@Jess-Thanks, I think these past few posts have had the best thinspo on my whole blog. :)
@lottie-No, I really am still in the 170s :( it's sad, but i'm changing it asap. I was doing so good, then binges... I hate this binging problem.
Thinspo!!!!! Some good 'ol thigh gap thinspo! :)
Thank you Jess for keeping me on track today! :)
I biked 8 miles too! still, wish I would've done 10. If I can't sleep when I get home I will bike another 5 or so at 4am. haha that is so early! :D I just didn't want to be too tired for work. also been up since 8am this morning.
I finally got my finical aid stuff all turned in. So now I just have to wait for them to review it so I know how much money I will receive this year. (Hope it's a lot!) I don't want loans. :(
I haven't weighed myself since Yesterday. I won't weigh myself til this Tuesday, cause I'm afraid if I don't see lots of progress I will get depressed and it will lead to a binge, and we don't want that. no, no not at all! The suspense is killing me however, I keep the scale in my room (I have hard floors) and I keep looking at it.
Yesterday was horrible. I binged like a fat cow. I was so full it was making me sick of myself. So, what did I do? The one thing I promised I'd never do. I puked til I couldn't no more. It was gross and pink cause the seafood salad yesterday and mac and cheese and chicken. Ya, like I said, binged like a cow. I turned on the sink faucet, but mom and friend still heard. My mom asked me all serious "Are you a bulimic or anorexic?" "No!" then my friend said all jokingly "You wouldn't deny it if you didn't have a problem" (Laughed it off) "I'm just sick, the food got to me. I haven't felt good all day, and was sick yesterday too." (lies) "Do you know where the thermometer is? I hope you're not running a fever." My mom being worried. "Nope." Then I sat on the couch watching tv with them and they forgot about it :)
Later I fell asleep on the couch (around 4pm.) She came home and saw me there and told me to go to bed. So I did haha, working these weird hours is fucking up my sleep. She think it was cause I'm sick too. So no more worries. I just need to watch with the constantly calling myself fat in front of her.
I also decided to quit smoking pot. All it does is waste my money and make me get munchies and binge :( so I'm done, at least for a while.
I made a big binder today with all my goals. it's all organised with little things under each goal on how to achieve them, like mini goals :) I will be able to go to Japan this summer if I follow my goal list and save my money. I'm so excited. I miss Japan and all my friends there. My Japanese has gotten a little rusty though. Should be better after a semester in the Spring at my new college. Yep, I'm gonna work on transferring. Which means I must pass all 5 of my classes with excellent grades. Nothing below a B. These goals are also in there.
That's all for now. Just some quick comment replies and thinspo
<3 Toxic
Comments-
@lulu-Yeah, isn't being a redhead great?!?! I love my new red hair!
@Jess-Thanks, I think these past few posts have had the best thinspo on my whole blog. :)
@lottie-No, I really am still in the 170s :( it's sad, but i'm changing it asap. I was doing so good, then binges... I hate this binging problem.
Thinspo!!!!! Some good 'ol thigh gap thinspo! :)
Monday, June 27, 2011
Crazy Beautiful (Busy) Life.
Wow....so besides a spaghetti binge that was absolutely horrible, my intakes have been AMAZING. I've been starving myself very very well. Exercising like crazy, and getting back on track with a vengeance. The past two days especially have been...just wow...great! :)
I've been sure to bike at least 6 miles a day, today I wanted to get over 7...was hoping for 10, but my calves tightened up and I could barely move them when I had gotten 5 and a half miles in and so I came home. Tomorrow before work, I will do at least 9 miles. No excuses. It helps that I bike so fast haha, I race around this park by my house and feel kinda bad cause I yell at people "On your left!" So loud I almost give them heart attacks as I zoom by. (I hate having to slow down for people who won't move. grrr...) Gonna buy a speed-o-meter for my bike that also counts how many calories you have burned! Which means I will probably be on my bike even more.
Also, I think my scale is broken :( Its said I weigh 162.8 just now...umm I was like 172 this morning...so that's impossible. I keep moving it and it still says 162.8. Toke out the batteries and STILL 162.8. I think I'm going to stop in at my mom's work (She's the head nurse at a doctor's office.) and use their scale. I still hope I lost a lot...and my pants are starting to get really lose :) gonna get into a size 10 soon hopefully. I will get a 40% off award coupon from American Eagle next month! All because I spent sooo much the past 3 months. So I will go on a shopping spree and get a bunch of size 10 pants and some hoodies for fall. I've never gotten the 40% reward before. So exciting! :)
Comments
@Lottie- Glad you liked the redhead thinspo so much, and that I was able to add to your ipod collection. I really hope to get to my goal by school, if I keep this up it is possible. :) Hope you have been doing well, and not binging. Sorry I haven't been able to check your blog, will as so as I have finished writing this. Thanks again for your post that helped me get really motivated, we can do this together!
@Dogsdontbite-ugh you are so right, guys are such strange creatures, and can go fuck themselves haha. I know you can beat binging, and always remember you are not alone. I'm hear for you, and we can do this together! Let's reach our goals and have control! :)
Well...not much more to say. OH! I have a new favorite thinspo model. She is amazing! She also models for American Eagle and Aerie. Her name is Cintia Dicker, 5'10" and a size 4...and such pretty red hair.
Here are some pics
I've been sure to bike at least 6 miles a day, today I wanted to get over 7...was hoping for 10, but my calves tightened up and I could barely move them when I had gotten 5 and a half miles in and so I came home. Tomorrow before work, I will do at least 9 miles. No excuses. It helps that I bike so fast haha, I race around this park by my house and feel kinda bad cause I yell at people "On your left!" So loud I almost give them heart attacks as I zoom by. (I hate having to slow down for people who won't move. grrr...) Gonna buy a speed-o-meter for my bike that also counts how many calories you have burned! Which means I will probably be on my bike even more.
Also, I think my scale is broken :( Its said I weigh 162.8 just now...umm I was like 172 this morning...so that's impossible. I keep moving it and it still says 162.8. Toke out the batteries and STILL 162.8. I think I'm going to stop in at my mom's work (She's the head nurse at a doctor's office.) and use their scale. I still hope I lost a lot...and my pants are starting to get really lose :) gonna get into a size 10 soon hopefully. I will get a 40% off award coupon from American Eagle next month! All because I spent sooo much the past 3 months. So I will go on a shopping spree and get a bunch of size 10 pants and some hoodies for fall. I've never gotten the 40% reward before. So exciting! :)
Comments
@Lottie- Glad you liked the redhead thinspo so much, and that I was able to add to your ipod collection. I really hope to get to my goal by school, if I keep this up it is possible. :) Hope you have been doing well, and not binging. Sorry I haven't been able to check your blog, will as so as I have finished writing this. Thanks again for your post that helped me get really motivated, we can do this together!
@Dogsdontbite-ugh you are so right, guys are such strange creatures, and can go fuck themselves haha. I know you can beat binging, and always remember you are not alone. I'm hear for you, and we can do this together! Let's reach our goals and have control! :)
Well...not much more to say. OH! I have a new favorite thinspo model. She is amazing! She also models for American Eagle and Aerie. Her name is Cintia Dicker, 5'10" and a size 4...and such pretty red hair.
Here are some pics
And...that is all I really have to say for now. Will try my best to start updating daily or as close to daily as I can. I really love blogging for you all, and the positive feedback and support you give means so much to me. I will try to comment and read more of your blogs too. I feel bad for not being on here at all the past 2-3 days.
<3 so much, Toxic
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Completely new perspective. (Response to Lottie's post-'Sorry, another post')
So Lottie posted earlier today, and I just gotta say, this post really impacted me and the way I think about myself and my weight loss. The original post here: http://dreaming-skinny.blogspot.com/2011/06/sorry-another-post.html
I want to thank her again, this has really truly got me motivated and back on track.
Lottie: Your determination, and fresh outlook on your own weight loss has reminded me that the whole reason I lost so much before was because I enjoyed it. I loved the feeling of being empty. The pains in my stomach and loud growling noises it made that had others asking me if I was alright and if I needed to eat. I got a thrill out of lying to people and saying "Sorry I'm not hungry. I just ate a whole bunch at my house." Or taking food into my room and hiding it only to give the whole thing to my dogs later, or to the trash. I never really worried about being alone with food. Binging (though it did happen) was a rare occurrence, and when it did happen I ran happily or worked out until I nearly fainted. Then I'd smile to myself knowing I was getting thinner and the numbers were always lower. Almost every time I stepped on the scale. Lower. I had control.
The past month I've been asking myself "What's happened to me? I'm not losing like I used to." I've known it was because the binges were getting more frequent, and more intense. I've admitted to myself that yes, I haven't been working out like I used to. But why have I changed my once great habits?
For me this whole losing thing has become less fun. I depress myself to much when that I binge and then get even more upset to the point where I ask myself "What's the point?" It stopped being fun after that younger boy I liked stopped talking to me and got a girlfriend. I then thought that no matter how much I lost I'd never be worth his or any other guys time. At that point I stopped doing this for myself and it became about proving myself worthy of a guy. Lately I've been desperately trying to get a boyfriend. But now I realize that what one guy or a bunch of guys think of me isn't important right now. Losing is what I did to find fulfillment in myself, and that's what it should be about. Me.
I need to start doing this for myself again. I will start doing this for me, because I love the comments from everyone saying I look like I've lost weight, I love seeing lower numbers on the scale, and damn it I LOVE STARVING! I love the feeling of being empty because it is telling me I am changing. I am losing weight. I am becoming a better person.
So from here on out it's about me. I'm putting the binging monster to rest once and for all. Or at least shutting it up for now. Tomorrow is a new day, and for me a much better day. I hope all of you will find happiness and fulfillment in starving, working out, and losing as I plan to. Oh and the boys? They can go fuck themselves for now, then when I weigh 125 pounds they will all think I'm gorgeous and adore me. This is my life and I going to be the one to control it. I make my own decisions and if people don't like what I do fuck them. They can live their lives as they please and I will live mine. And I chose to live my life happy and thin.
<3 Always, Toxic
I want to thank her again, this has really truly got me motivated and back on track.
Lottie: Your determination, and fresh outlook on your own weight loss has reminded me that the whole reason I lost so much before was because I enjoyed it. I loved the feeling of being empty. The pains in my stomach and loud growling noises it made that had others asking me if I was alright and if I needed to eat. I got a thrill out of lying to people and saying "Sorry I'm not hungry. I just ate a whole bunch at my house." Or taking food into my room and hiding it only to give the whole thing to my dogs later, or to the trash. I never really worried about being alone with food. Binging (though it did happen) was a rare occurrence, and when it did happen I ran happily or worked out until I nearly fainted. Then I'd smile to myself knowing I was getting thinner and the numbers were always lower. Almost every time I stepped on the scale. Lower. I had control.
The past month I've been asking myself "What's happened to me? I'm not losing like I used to." I've known it was because the binges were getting more frequent, and more intense. I've admitted to myself that yes, I haven't been working out like I used to. But why have I changed my once great habits?
For me this whole losing thing has become less fun. I depress myself to much when that I binge and then get even more upset to the point where I ask myself "What's the point?" It stopped being fun after that younger boy I liked stopped talking to me and got a girlfriend. I then thought that no matter how much I lost I'd never be worth his or any other guys time. At that point I stopped doing this for myself and it became about proving myself worthy of a guy. Lately I've been desperately trying to get a boyfriend. But now I realize that what one guy or a bunch of guys think of me isn't important right now. Losing is what I did to find fulfillment in myself, and that's what it should be about. Me.
I need to start doing this for myself again. I will start doing this for me, because I love the comments from everyone saying I look like I've lost weight, I love seeing lower numbers on the scale, and damn it I LOVE STARVING! I love the feeling of being empty because it is telling me I am changing. I am losing weight. I am becoming a better person.
So from here on out it's about me. I'm putting the binging monster to rest once and for all. Or at least shutting it up for now. Tomorrow is a new day, and for me a much better day. I hope all of you will find happiness and fulfillment in starving, working out, and losing as I plan to. Oh and the boys? They can go fuck themselves for now, then when I weigh 125 pounds they will all think I'm gorgeous and adore me. This is my life and I going to be the one to control it. I make my own decisions and if people don't like what I do fuck them. They can live their lives as they please and I will live mine. And I chose to live my life happy and thin.
<3 Always, Toxic
Pizza.
Hey everyone....I weighed 171.6 yesterday. fuck. I was really sad about it and so I barely ate yesterday. (which is good) Turned down an ice cream cone saying my stomach was bothering me. Mom made me go shopping to get her some pop and shampoo, then she said she wanted cookies. I can't resist chocolate chip cookies :( so I got her these frosted ones she loves but I hate! :) so I didn't eat cookies. Resisted temptation untill...I had a pizza mini binge :( 4 slices?!?! wtf! I'm still mad at myself for that.
It's 1:30 now and I haven't ate yet. well...til now. I cut up a slice of pizza into a bunch of tiny pieces. Ate about 2/3 of it. Throwing the rest to the dogs. Right...now. :) They are very happy to have my pizza. Which is good cause it just was making me miserable. At least my stomach shouldn't hurt so bad now. I need to get my weight down, and bad.
I also really need to clean my room. Think I'm gonna move all my furniture around again. :) I love doing that. It's fun, gives me a fresh perspective, and burns cals. What's not to love? Need to decide on music though...I like to rock out in my room while I clean.
So my first day of school is Aug. 22nd. Which is 2 months from now. So....I plan to lose as much as I can before then. My goal is to weigh 150 the first day of classes. I really wanna reach this goal. Losing is so much easier while I'm in school...I don't eat and am always more inspired to lose when I'm there. Oh and I can use the gym for free. :) which I plan to use all the time, everyday I have classes. I have a 4 hour break between 2 of my classes so I plan to go then. I'm so excited for school! Wow, can't believe I'm saying that, but I am.
Oh and these 2 beautiful, skinny girls came in my work today...they both had wonderful thigh gaps...sigh. I can't wait for the day I'm as thin as they were...I want my thigh gap sooooo badly, My legs are finally getting noticeably smaller to me :) people said they got thinner but I never saw it...until recently. It's not much of a difference though...I hate that they still touch.
Well, got nothing else to say really....so I will leave you with some pics I found.
<3 Toxic
It's 1:30 now and I haven't ate yet. well...til now. I cut up a slice of pizza into a bunch of tiny pieces. Ate about 2/3 of it. Throwing the rest to the dogs. Right...now. :) They are very happy to have my pizza. Which is good cause it just was making me miserable. At least my stomach shouldn't hurt so bad now. I need to get my weight down, and bad.
I also really need to clean my room. Think I'm gonna move all my furniture around again. :) I love doing that. It's fun, gives me a fresh perspective, and burns cals. What's not to love? Need to decide on music though...I like to rock out in my room while I clean.
So my first day of school is Aug. 22nd. Which is 2 months from now. So....I plan to lose as much as I can before then. My goal is to weigh 150 the first day of classes. I really wanna reach this goal. Losing is so much easier while I'm in school...I don't eat and am always more inspired to lose when I'm there. Oh and I can use the gym for free. :) which I plan to use all the time, everyday I have classes. I have a 4 hour break between 2 of my classes so I plan to go then. I'm so excited for school! Wow, can't believe I'm saying that, but I am.
Oh and these 2 beautiful, skinny girls came in my work today...they both had wonderful thigh gaps...sigh. I can't wait for the day I'm as thin as they were...I want my thigh gap sooooo badly, My legs are finally getting noticeably smaller to me :) people said they got thinner but I never saw it...until recently. It's not much of a difference though...I hate that they still touch.
Well, got nothing else to say really....so I will leave you with some pics I found.
<3 Toxic
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Insomnia again.
So It's 2am and I still can't sleep. This happens all the time. So I felt like I'd make a post for you all. I didn't eat very well today and had a doritos binge after my super low cal breakfast of a small bowl of cheerios with almond milk. ugh I always find a way to ruin everything don't I? Had a corn dog today...NOT proud of myself for that one. Oh, and macaroni and cheese?!?! I hate hate HATE myself for ruining my good eating streak I had going. Tomorrow will be better,much much better. Gonna try and stay around 700 cals, no more than 1000 though. My brother went to his college for an orientation and toke my car cause his wouldn't of made it. Something needs to be fixed. It doesn't bother me though cause now I have no excuses not to ride my bike everywhere I need to go, and so tomorrow I'm gonna ride to get a coffee for breakfast and go all over town all day. burn as many calories as I can to make up for the horrid damage I did today. Probably screwed myself out of the 160's and back into 170's maybe even as high as 173. I hope not, but I really was lazy and ate like crap today. Wish I could get this binge thing under control...I refuse to binge tomorrow. It won't happen cause I simply won't allow it. Nope. Not at all. Might try and bike out to the very far beach. Then climb dunes. That would help a lot. Let's see if I can sleep now, maybe I should just pull an all-nighter. I do have a Monster absolute zero energy drink in the fridge...
Well stay strong and don't follow my horrible bingey example.
<3 Toxic.
Well stay strong and don't follow my horrible bingey example.
<3 Toxic.
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Just a little late :)
Sorry I didn't post sooner, but its been a very busy day for me.
So my life is becoming more and more stressful everyday. I feel like I'm gonna cave under it all. :(
I was super depressed Thursday night, went for a drive and just cried hysterically til I finally came home. Almost drove to my best guy friend's house cause I needed someone so bad. But didn't.
Friday I talked with him (my best guy friend...guess I'll call him Tom lol his middle name) anyways I asked Tom if he wanted to do something and so we went to see Green Lantern. We talked about having sex. He jokes with me all the time and has tired to get me to fuck him before. I didn't. oh and i'm actually still a virgin. I just don't like sexual contact. I feel like I'm not good enough, too ugly, disgusting, and don't want someone that close cause they will see all my flaws. Anyways Tom always sleeps in my bed when he stays over, he's kinda like a brother, except I really like him/might damn near love him. Well we came home and went to bed. He started to feel me up and I said no, then we fell asleep. Well I woke up like 30 mins later and toke out my contacts and came back in the room. I really wanted some kind of contact and to feel like someone gave a damn about me and so I started scratching his thigh and he rolled over and kissed me then I said "Can we just mess around and not go all the way?" So then we just went at it. I gave him a bj and he did stuff for me. No actual sex. Then feel asleep with his arms around me. Well...next morning things were as they've always been. We are still friends, but I really don't want to be used by him...he means so much to me and I couldn't handle/can't handle being nothing to him...
Saturday was pretty boring. Went to Ihop in the morning with my brother and Tom at like 8 in the morning. picked at my food and they weren't suspicious at all, barely ate and had a lemonade cause it just sounded so good. stayed at home and worked out all day. Had the house to myself for like 4 hours. Then went to work and got home at midnight.
Today was a hell of a lot better than I thought It was gonna be. Father's day, so I went to my grandma's house with my sister to see my dad. I hate him btw. He hates me too. Him and my mom are going through a divorce now. It was awkward at first but since my grandparents were there it was better. Dug around in her fridge looking for a safe drink. I HATE LIQUID CALORIES!!!! Finally found some diet lipton tea bottles in the back. :) Ate lunch, my grandma made spaghetti and meat sauce, salad and some corn. Salad first, corn second, then I ate the spaghetti. Was good and I didn't have too much. Skipped her pudding saying I was too full. lies. Then my aunt and cousin came over and my aunt and me talked about bikes and decided we would ride our bikes to the beach and back after we left. We went and it was a fun ride, also she bikes very fast so we kept up with and pushed each other. which was good. Met some of her friends at the beach and she bragged about me and all the weight I've lost. She said she could tell in my arms a lot cause I was wearing a short sleeve shirt. pshhh I can't tell. 20 lbs and I still see no difference :(
Oh today I weighed myself and.......169.6!!! I saw 160-something for the first time since freshman year of high school I'm so excited and happy right now, don't think I could've done it without everyone's loving support on here. You are all amazing. wanna try to get lower by Tuesday. Don't wanna go back to the 170's ever again.
Comments
@Dogsdontbite- The fact that you said I'm truly your favorite blog...that really touched my heart and I was so glad to hear. You really are too kind. :) I made sure to keep my promise and update soon especially for you. haha. And wow Lily Cole is beautiful, idk how I've never heard of her before. She has such a young looking and naturally beautiful face. Such a great model.
@ullalexie-Your faith in me getting into the 160's by Tuesday has been such an inspiration for me, to think I'm already there and should remain in the 160's when I weigh in Tuesday...It's just amazing. Thank you so much for believing in me. :)
Well it's late now. I wanna bike to get a coffee for breakfast tomorrow morning, so I'm off to bed now. This post was super long and so If any of you do read it. thanks for your patience and support. :)
<3 Toxic
So my life is becoming more and more stressful everyday. I feel like I'm gonna cave under it all. :(
I was super depressed Thursday night, went for a drive and just cried hysterically til I finally came home. Almost drove to my best guy friend's house cause I needed someone so bad. But didn't.
Friday I talked with him (my best guy friend...guess I'll call him Tom lol his middle name) anyways I asked Tom if he wanted to do something and so we went to see Green Lantern. We talked about having sex. He jokes with me all the time and has tired to get me to fuck him before. I didn't. oh and i'm actually still a virgin. I just don't like sexual contact. I feel like I'm not good enough, too ugly, disgusting, and don't want someone that close cause they will see all my flaws. Anyways Tom always sleeps in my bed when he stays over, he's kinda like a brother, except I really like him/might damn near love him. Well we came home and went to bed. He started to feel me up and I said no, then we fell asleep. Well I woke up like 30 mins later and toke out my contacts and came back in the room. I really wanted some kind of contact and to feel like someone gave a damn about me and so I started scratching his thigh and he rolled over and kissed me then I said "Can we just mess around and not go all the way?" So then we just went at it. I gave him a bj and he did stuff for me. No actual sex. Then feel asleep with his arms around me. Well...next morning things were as they've always been. We are still friends, but I really don't want to be used by him...he means so much to me and I couldn't handle/can't handle being nothing to him...
Saturday was pretty boring. Went to Ihop in the morning with my brother and Tom at like 8 in the morning. picked at my food and they weren't suspicious at all, barely ate and had a lemonade cause it just sounded so good. stayed at home and worked out all day. Had the house to myself for like 4 hours. Then went to work and got home at midnight.
Today was a hell of a lot better than I thought It was gonna be. Father's day, so I went to my grandma's house with my sister to see my dad. I hate him btw. He hates me too. Him and my mom are going through a divorce now. It was awkward at first but since my grandparents were there it was better. Dug around in her fridge looking for a safe drink. I HATE LIQUID CALORIES!!!! Finally found some diet lipton tea bottles in the back. :) Ate lunch, my grandma made spaghetti and meat sauce, salad and some corn. Salad first, corn second, then I ate the spaghetti. Was good and I didn't have too much. Skipped her pudding saying I was too full. lies. Then my aunt and cousin came over and my aunt and me talked about bikes and decided we would ride our bikes to the beach and back after we left. We went and it was a fun ride, also she bikes very fast so we kept up with and pushed each other. which was good. Met some of her friends at the beach and she bragged about me and all the weight I've lost. She said she could tell in my arms a lot cause I was wearing a short sleeve shirt. pshhh I can't tell. 20 lbs and I still see no difference :(
Oh today I weighed myself and.......169.6!!! I saw 160-something for the first time since freshman year of high school I'm so excited and happy right now, don't think I could've done it without everyone's loving support on here. You are all amazing. wanna try to get lower by Tuesday. Don't wanna go back to the 170's ever again.
Comments
@Dogsdontbite- The fact that you said I'm truly your favorite blog...that really touched my heart and I was so glad to hear. You really are too kind. :) I made sure to keep my promise and update soon especially for you. haha. And wow Lily Cole is beautiful, idk how I've never heard of her before. She has such a young looking and naturally beautiful face. Such a great model.
@ullalexie-Your faith in me getting into the 160's by Tuesday has been such an inspiration for me, to think I'm already there and should remain in the 160's when I weigh in Tuesday...It's just amazing. Thank you so much for believing in me. :)
Well it's late now. I wanna bike to get a coffee for breakfast tomorrow morning, so I'm off to bed now. This post was super long and so If any of you do read it. thanks for your patience and support. :)
<3 Toxic
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