Changes.

Another day at work. So far today I've had...
a packet of better oats dark chocolate oatmeal 160
a small bowl of my moms homemade chili ???
7 crackers 98 cals
and a mini chocolate bar 70 cals i think

So I've had over 328 cals and it's not even noon yet. omg what the hell is my problem?! Ok ok, control. No more food till dinner then I'll have an apple so Chad doesn't freak out on me. I wanna go take my dog to the park after work. I can run with him there :) It's a no leash dog park which I know he'll love. I wanna do some push-ups and free weights too cuz my arms suck, so much.

Last night was no fun. :( I didn't get home from work until 8pm. When we got home I was upset cause I was tired and the day was over. So I started making mac and cheese. Every little thing Chad said or did was making me even more angry so by the time I was done cooking and filled half a bowl with it and sat down I didn't want to talk or anything. Chad ate the rest of the pot. I ate about half of my half bowl.Well, he kept asking me whats wrong and "nothing" wasn't a good enough answer and he kept proding and so we got on the subject of food. "You know you have to eat, you need to to live." I say nothing "You need to eat you can't just not eat, when you're hungry your body wants  food." Then he says "You can't control when you're hungry." That was the last straw I glared at him set my food on the floor for the dog and went to bed. So ya, no fun.

Ew. I just looked across the hall at the other dr.'s office and see a girl I went to school with since 4th grade. I hated that bitch she was always so mean to me. Still thin and perfect as ever... sigh. lucky. This drug rep. just brought a super good looking strusel to work. I want some but I can't have it. I won't.

I need to weigh myself... I'm just scared I've gained. :( bet I have. Wll...I'll do good today and weigh tomorrow morning after Chad goes to work. Should be easy to get out of dinner tonight, going to my moms house to watch tv. Sons of Anarchy is on and I don't have cable yet.

<3 love you all. I'll post again soon.
Toxic

Back after a long while.

First off I MISSED EVERYONE!!! I promise to catch up on all your blogs.

Let me fill you all in real quick. So I'm 21 years old now and had one hell of a birthday in July :) I'm still with Chad and couldn't be happier. I bought my own place! Me and Chad live together with his cat and my dog. We're still getting settled, but so far I'm happy. I'm not in school at the moment because they kicked me out for dropping so many classes and doing really bad. It's good though, I haven't purged at all in months, and I think my college was a big trigger for purging. I do binge occasionally though still... I'm still restricting and fasting.

My weight got as low as 148.6 and I got up to 165 but now I'm down to 155.8. I need to get back under my LW and will soon. The trailer park I live in has a gym that I can use for free! So I need to go.

I don't really know why but since I've been living on my own with Chad I've been so tempted to restrict, binge, and other harmful activities. I told Chad I'm trying to be healthy and change and blah blah blah and my food issues are in the past. (as if) Not gonna lie for a while (on and off) I was honestly trying to get better and accept myself and eat normal but fuck I can't do that. I just wanna be thin and I don't care what it takes I'm gonna do this! I need to. It's the only thing that makes me feel good about myself. Also it's my life, NOT my fiance, mom, friends, doctors, or anyone else's! ugh!

Anyways...my mom now knows about my past issues with food and how I used to binge/purge and starve. She also knows that's why I got sick, got stomach ulcers, and understands that all those times I magically "got sick" after eating I was purging. How the time I got mad shoved a whole half of a cheesecake in my mouth then ran out of the house I went to purge, and when she saw me go to the bathroom with a diet Pepsi I was going to purge. So I have to watch out for both my fiance who I live with, and my mom who is also my boss at work. I'm with one or both of these people for like 18-20 hours of my day. So ya, secrecy is key. Not saying I really enjoy or want to do these things (I hate purging) but damn it I will control my life.

<3 and miss you all. Feel free to comment and say hi. :)
Toxic