I'm just.....not happy.

So today has been a horrible day since I rolled out of bed at 8:30. I weighted myself and am so upset/furious/sad/pissed/unhappy/want to stab my self in the stomach til there is no more fat. Ya, it's been a bad day. So after seeing my weight, i worked out hardcore. Then had a small bowl of strawberry corn flakes, went to work. Where I was so upset and thought about my weight all day. When I got home at 7 I made dinner, spaghetti. It was good, but I ate much more than I should cause I was so depressed and just didn't give a fuck. The moment I saw my empty plate however, I wanted to scream. It was like a nightmare. but real. Then I sat around and watched TV. After that I went in my room and worked out again. Plus i've had a splitting headache since I got to work. So ya, sad depressing day.
Now i'm on facebook and he's on. So I start a convo, and he just gives short shitty answers to my questions. I feel like he hates me. It would make sense...I'm not worth his time. I just wish I could fall asleep and this weight be gone and then he could love me...but life isn't that simple.

Went shopping yesterday, it made me want to cry. I walked into pacsun to get some sunglasses and soon as I walk in i see these cute shorts and tanks. I can't wear them though...I would look stupid cause I'm so fat. I need to lose weight so that rather than stare longingly at the new, cute, tiny swimsuits I could...you know buy one and not be afraid to wear it.

I need something to cheer me up.
THINSPO!!!

These last ones are all the Egg fashion magazine model Nemoyayo. Shes so cute.

Ok so thats all the thinspo I have left saved to my comp. I need to add more. I will. 

Sorry for not posting my weight. I will post it next Tuesday instead. When I have gotten rid of the weight I just added to my waist :( I feel so fat. I seriously hate myself right now... I just can't share my new weight. I HATE HATE HATE this...It has set me back. But my goals will be reached!

Thanks for following 

<3Toxic

Big Isnt Beautiful

I love this song. It's so fun, and really true.

Anyways, the other day when I said i'd stay under 500...well I didn't :( i was at 412 until I woke up from a nap and ate a plate of cheesy tuna pasta and some apple juice which put me at around 902 :( I feel so bad for that...

And yesterday wasn't any better, I didn't really keep track, but I ate a lot later in the day, then went out to eat with my friend who I don't see so often anymore...I had some mexican food. Didn't work out either. Which I HATE myself for. How could I do this after working so hard...It's like I hit a laziness wall and can't move!

Today is certainly a new day.  I ate a tiny cheese cube and a bowl of cornflake and strawberry cereal I havn't calculated it yet, but i'd say i'm under 200 cals for sure. I will figure it out though. (Its driving me crazy not knowing.) Then I went for a long walk with my dog, and soon as I came home started working out in my room. I did well over 100 jumping jacks, but lost count a lot so kept starting over and a lot of stretching and worked out my legs and arms. Now i'm super tired. I have to work soon, but when I come home I will prob do some dance and go for a 2 mi. walk/run. I NEED to work out. These past couple days have killed me and possibly set me back from my goal :'( I WANT TO BE THIN!!!

This week of school is going to kill me. Friday I have to give a speech, and I don't even have a topic yet..also have to write my first draft for my next English paper, again I still don't have a topic for that either. A math quiz Friday too. I need to go talk to my History prof. about my paper for his class too. Ugh! I'm gonna be so stressed and busy!

Skinny is sexy and big isn't beautiful.
<3 Toxic

Good Morning!

So I couldn't sleep after I finished my homework. So I just stayed up all night :) it's still early in the a.m., I toke my shower and started working out a bit. I want to get all dressed and ready for school and take my dog on a walk before I leave. I don't wanna eat until break at school which is at 10. I don't plan to eat til then, but will have some black coffee before class. Otherwise I fear I will fall asleep. :(

So I will continue to work out for now. Listening to some hardcore music from the clubland extreme hardcore 6 album. It is really getting me pumped!

I want to do everything I can to make this a good day. That means a lot of working out, walk my dog, and a run later. Also I will do my best to be around or under 500 cals today. I really have faith in myself right now, maybe my lack of sleep is making me crazy haha. Oh and I plan to go to the mall after classes are done today. I need some cute new accessories for spring/summer. Sunglasses, sandals, and maybe a new bag.

Best of luck to everyone! Lets all make our goals!
<3 Toxic

Almost....

Well I weighted myself yesterday...176.8. I wanted to be under 175 this week, but since I am down another 1.2 lbs. There is still hope. I will try for a target loss of 2.8 lbs this week so I will be 174. I'm happy to see I am still losing more and more. The day I can strut around in a bikini weighing 125 lbs and referred to as skinny and cute and tiny, I will be happy. Right now I'm just....content.

So I have a new person who is a great inspiration to me. She is in my speech class and just the prettiest girl ever. She's short and I would honestly be shocked if she weighs more than 100 lbs. I notice she always has a water bottle with her...Her hair is blonde and she always wears the cutest outfits. All the guys think shes just the hottest thing, and she is always so nice to everyone. I wish I could be like her.

Oh and I am ADDICTED to Vogue now. I bought this months issue and will probably continue to buy it. There's a lot of thinspiration in there, and I love the fashion. If only I could wear it....

So here's some thinspo. I kinda followed a rock theme this time....

To everyone who follows Thank you :) and thanks for the comments and support. To Bella, Lottie x, and Thin is Everything, I really appreciate the comments on my last 2 posts :) It's nice to have support when things get hard, and to know I can inspire others just means a lot to me.

Thank you and keep following,
<3 Toxic

I am safe, I am strong.

Well I toke the evil ice-cream in my room and guess what?! I didn't take a SINGLE bite :D I am so happy with myself. I went in my room, turned on some Ke$ha, and started to clean my room at hyper speed. It's about half-way done now. I am moving furniture and vacuuming behind it, wiping down and dusting everything. I keep moving and moving things. (To stay busy.)I finished my water bottle. I am so happy I chose to not eat that. It was hard, but I knew if I toke even one bite it would all go downhill, so I set it on my desk and...I actually forgot about it! haha. I threw it in my trash and changed my trash bag so my mom wouldn't find it.

See, we ALL can say no to yucky fattening ice-cream. We just have to believe and find a way to "forget"and get rid of it. No more food for the rest of the night, just water and diet cal free snapple. :)

Once on the lips, forever on the hips. (and that ice-cream WILL NOT be on mine, thats for damn sure.)
<3 Toxic

HELP ME!!! MY GOD HELP ME!!!!

So I've been very good today...my cal intake was eh alright so far it's 6:40 and i'm at 915. I have just got back from a 2 mi. jog/run/walk (My legs are on fire and i'm sweating a lot :) and my mom is gone. Then she comes home with dairy queen, and my sis got me one of my old favs. a choco chip cookie dough blizzard. WHICH HAS 1,010 cals!!!! If I eat this my day will be shot down completely, but i'm so tempted... I don't want to eat it. I DON'T!!! I want to have control damn it. I wish she would've just assumed I didn't want anything...but she got me something and it's a very tempting something. I must sit here finish my work out in my room and NOT eat it.

God grant me the strength to deny myself this.
~Toxic

A good day/night

Yesterday started off very slow....I purged. Not intentionally. I was on the computer and suddenly had to jump up and run to the bathroom. It sucks cause it was just juice, also i toke my multi like 30 mins before...so, hopefully I still got the nutrition from it... I ate very very VERY few cals and was so proud of myself. idk maybe 500 total. Good day :)

When I got home from work my mom had cooked this fancy red potatos with parsley and some honey mustard chicken. Which smelled SOOOOO good. I went on fb and started talking to his brother who was on, and he said to come over and see his lil bro so I said I would.

I had to change before leaving, which was a nightmare. I actually started crying cause nothing was fitting me good, I could see my fat under my shirt and changed like 10 times, threw things around my room, and finally settled with a big black band tee that covered me up. I was just so fat and bloated yesterday :( I ate half a bite of my moms chicken and two bites of potato. My mom looked questioningly at me but I was just like "Well I'm going to his house....gotta leave have no time" and ran out the door. She didn't think twice :)

The rest of the night I spent with him., and OMG I like him sooooo much. We sat around and watched movies with his mom and brother. It was nice cause I was sitting and he lied down across my lap in front of them. So he's not embarrassed to be affectionate with me around them. Then we went to his room and he kept messing with me and kissing me, but he bit my hip and put his hand on my stomach...all I could think was how fat I was and bloated and just disgusting. He asked whats wrong and I told him about how I had felt sick all day. Which no lie, I was. I told him I had to leave, but he wouldn't let me haha. Then he did something I HATED...he picked me up... Ya, I almost died. I said something like wow...you can pick me up? and he was like umm...ya. He tried to do it again but i would NOT let him. He must really be strong if he can pick up my fat ass though.

So all in all less than 500 cals, fun with my guy, and I had no homework. So it was a good day. :)
Let's hope I can have more days like this. Today I feel sick again and so far have only had 290 cals. (I had a Mountain Dew this morning.) Oh and I will see him tonight!

Get thin, stay thin. Thin is the manifestation of true beauty.
mwah! Toxic

Versatile

So I'm really honored to have been nominated for the Versatile Blogger award. It's nice cause I just started this blog a little over a month ago. So thank you Lottie for nominating me. :) I love reading your blog. If you haven't gone to her's yet do it. It's a good one.
dreaming-skinny

So the rules (which I just copy and pasted from her blog)
The Rules:
1. Thank the person who loved you enough to bestow this gift
2. Share seven things about yourself.
3. Bestow this honour onto 10 newly discovered or followed bloggers– in no particular order– who are fantastic in some way.
4. Drop by and let your ten new friends know you admire them.

7 things about me.


1. I'm a wallflower. Seriously, I'm just kind of there most the time and am very quiet. I talk with my friends and have a few choice best-friends all of whom no nothing about my battle with food, but when I'm with a group of friends I always feel like the extra person. Like the one people talk to but would rather talk to the more outgoing ones in the group.


2. I've developed a habit of dancing when i'm doing things like cleaning, standing, sitting, on the computer, driving (that one get's hilarious) and in the shower. I just can't sit still. I rock my feet back and forth a lot too. It makes no sense haha but i can't really stop sometimes. It keeps me moving a lot though...which is good.


3.Sometimes I act so childish....It's strange cause everyone has always said how mature I was, even at a young age. When I get upset I pout and don't know what to do sometimes. I've even been known to throw tantrums. Yes 20 years old and i whine like a baby sometimes...sigh. Oh and I love cutesy things. My carebears, plushies, hello kitty and Disney stuff in my room. Which is painted pink. My family says i'm like a Disney princess. I guess it's a compliment? 


4.I'm very insecure. Not just about my weight, but the fact that I might have an ED. The reason it scares me so much is that I sometimes slip in front of my friends and family. I apparently call myself fat and ugly all the time too, I don't really notice it sometimes. It's just how I honestly feel so I just blurt it out. Oh and the other day I left my room to go to the bathroom and left my laptop open since I would be back in like 5 minutes. When I got back my mom was in there and I kinda freaked out and slammed it shut. I don't know if she saw it or not, but I had my blog open....I think she would've freaked if she had actually read it. so....I'm safe. She was texting someone and didn't want my dad to know so that's the reason she was there.


5.I have a type. I kinda slowly developed one my whole life, but it's official now, I have one. The guys I go for are very scruffy tough and manly. I actually have had crushes on and flirted with guys almost twice my age. I just love manly men. They make me feel so feminine. I just find a guy with a beard, muscular arms and long hair, or a motorcycle to be so hot! I'm silly I know. 


6.I live to please other people. Sometimes I will sacrifice my own happiness for others...and I always seek others approval. Which is probably why I always look for perfection. I just want to be good enough for others. 


7. I don't believe in Christianity, but go to church almost every week. I believe in God, just not the Christian one. Oh and I don't really believe Jesus is the son of God either. I used too...


Well that's my seven. And now, the 10 people I want to give this award to. In no order.
1.Peyton
2.Misumi
3.Ana Fibb
4.Chase
5.Addicted-to-thin
6.Thin Is Everything
7.Bella
8.Thinner
9.Jenna-xo
10.Nicole

Ugh. I'm sorry I always post so much! I'll make it my goal to start keeping it short and simple.
Just had to spread the love. Thanks again to Lottie for nominating me :)
~Thanks for following <3Toxic

Goals.

It's Tuesday again. My weight is down to 178.0 so i'm down another 2.2 lbs :) this makes me happy. AND, i'm in the 170's!!! I'm excited for my weight loss. I did however go out to eat last night with my family, and we went to one of my favorite sit down restaurants, this Mexican one, and I ate...a lot. I actually hurt after eating. I have done well today and though I didn't count my cals today, I would say it was under 700. :) The weather here is absolutely amazing now, and I wanna go run tomorrow. I'm going to get my brother to go with cause he runs every single day, and knows a lot about proper stretching, breathing, ect. I also plan to stay under 700 cals, maybe try to eat only 500 or less...we'll see.

Me and that guy I've been seeing are now quite close, and I found out he likes me too, (we made out and he tried to go farther, but I don't want him to see my disgusting body). We have been together a lot these past few days, and I was at his house until 3am last night. I cried uncontrollably when I got home however. I want to be in a relationship with him but he says he doesn't want that. It made me feel like i'm not good enough and worthless. Which I know I am and that's why he doesn't want to be with me :( My mom and close friend who I talked to say he will change and it's just because so much has gone on in his life recently, with his dad dying and all that. I just know it's not him, it's me. I'm fat, ugly, stupid, annoying, immature, needy, and worthless. I am nothing, a waste of time. I wish I was loved.

I just remembered, I left my ana bracelet at his house...I started wearing one to remind myself that I'm not alone, and I can be strong and fight food with everyone else. Mine is just a simple red string. Well he asked me "Why do you have that dumb red string on your wrist again?" So I said "I don't know I meant to take it off" and toke it off right there so he wouldn't be suspicious.

If I could just get under 170 lbs by the end of the month...I'd feel better. So much better. But even at 169.9 I will still be so fat and disgusting. I don't think I will ever be worth anything. If only...
Thanks for following,
<3 Toxic

Thinspo!!! :)

I promised and here is some thinspo. Tonight's model....YUMACHI!!

It's not much...just what's readily available on my pc. I think for my next thinspo pics i'll do Nemoyayo, she's become really popular, and was all over February's issue of egg magazine. Sorry such a short post. (I don't know why I even bothered really.) I'll try my best to be more interesting next time. :)

Stay strong everyone. You can do this!

~with love, Toxic

YES!!!!!!

It's Tuesday! I weighed myself already and was expecting to be maybe down 1 pound from last week because of my binge day, but was screaming with excitement when the scale read 180.2. Down 3 lbs from last week!!! and 10 since I stared! I am so happy, just really really happy. My work is actually paying off, and besides that one week where I gained 1.2 lb, I have lost weight every week. I never thought i'd be losing this often, I thought in the beginning (I'm never going to stick to this weight loss, I'm to weak and have no self-control.) But I have been, and will continue to lose. I want this to bad to quit. Can't wait to reach my cgw of 140. Then the hard work of getting to my ugw of 125. I CAN DO THIS!

Oh and back to my weird love life. I went back over to my friends' house. The younger guy and me hung out together for like 5 hours. Well we started watching a movie, and were lying on the bed really close to each other, and he put his arm around me and kept flirting with me. I flirted a little back, but nothing happened. I resisted my urges. I really wanted to and before I left he toke his shirt off, and let me tell you, he works out all the time and has a rockin body. But I resisted. I'm having trouble resiting him though... I don't want to but I want to, and my mind is just so messed up from him :( I even dreamed about him last night!

It's still spring break. The weather outside right now is great! sunny, and almost 50 degrees! My dog has been stubborn when we go for walks lately...she will stop and refuse to go any farther, until I turn around too and go back the way we came. It sucks cause normally we walk really far around this park which is like 2 mi. but maybe something scares her there...idk she's a really big dog and is afraid of the littlest things, but i love her.

So I said I was going to post some thinspo, and I will...next post. Sorry guys, but I haven't found much new good thinspo, I promise to post before the day is over. I need to go workout. Stay positive your goals can be reached.
~Toxic loves ya

My life...in other words

So I really do hate myself, for hating myself. I want to love myself, or even like myself...but its hard. I never really did like myself even as a kid. I always felt like I was different from everyone else. but I don't know, I just felt like getting that out, I've been very pessimistic lately. Ignore it.

So recently, I've been going over to my friends house a lot. He is 21 and lives around the corner. He's a cool guy, but I'd never date him, he's engaged and there is nothing between us. However, he has a brother who is 2 years younger than me. Whenever I'm over there all three of us hang out together. I've been talking to his little bro online a lot lately, and the other day just me and him hung out. The problem is...I think I'm really starting to like him. He's also way shorter than me. So ya...but he's a really cool guy. It's just i'm in college, and he's finishing high school... I don't feel like I could date him. But he might like me too...I need advice. :(

Oh the other day was my brothers birthday party. He turned 13. Family came over and my grandma commented on how much thinner I look esp. my legs. I just said something like "Really? I don't think so, maybe I'm losing weight, I don't know."and left it at that. Inside I felt happy at these words. My grandma never says I'm thin, if anything she makes small comments on how I need to lose weight. So this is nice that others are noticing. Cause I still can't tell. But, I binged yesterday and I'm still so upset about it. I must work really hard today.

Tomorrow I weigh myself again. I'll post results and some thinspo.
Get thin, stay thin. Get happy, stay happy.
~Toxic

Late

Hey everyone. It's...Thursday. I wanted to post my new weight for Tuesday on Tuesday, but this has been a very hectic week. The week before spring break. I still have to write my english essay, study for this huge exam in my algebra class, and do a research project for speech. :(

But on to the subject of Tuesday. When i weighed myself I was very happy to see I went down to 183.2. I wanted a lower number than that, but i'm down from last week so it's still some progress. I ate very good this week and stayed under or around 1000 cals on most days which makes me happy. BUT I didn't work out so much this past week which disappoints me. This week I've been doing very well on keeping my food intake low, and if I want to get the scale below 180 this week I gotta work out. period.

Today is gonna be the busiest day of my life, but once it's over I can relax cause tomorrow is my last day of classes. This spring break I plan to work extra hard to make positive changes to my weight and life. It should be decently warm out next week, high 30s to high 40s. So I will be outside a lot. Just wish it was warm enough for the beach...sigh

Today's (double) thinspo...

Megan Fox. 

One of my favorite thinspo models ever. She always look gorgeous and has a badass side that is just so sexy.  

And, some before and after thinspo that I found to be very inspiring.

As always I wish you the best of luck with your weight loss and other goals. If you wish to contact me just send me an e-mail at toxicwastedgal@hotmail.com. I'm usually pretty quick to reply. 

Thin is beautiful, fat is not. 

~Toxic WastED