I wanna throw up. Or...just not eat for the rest of the day.

It's not that I did bad over Thanksgiving, I did quite well and didn't binge :) controlled myself. Today is just the big thanksgiving thing with my 2 borthers, boyfriend, and all their friends who skateboard and do bmx. I went to it a little bit ago with my brothers at the skate park, and people are already there/still showing up. I talked to one of my brothers friends and my brothers. My boyfriend is still working til 3:30 then I'm taking him in my car to the park. I came home just now cause I forgot to take my BC pill. Now I'm sitting in my room, and just being depressed. I feel like no one thinks I belong there and I feel like everyone is judging me like hardcore. Idk, I just think it'd be easier/better if I dropped off the food I brought for it, got my bf, toke him then make an excuse that I don't feel good or something and leave.

I feel ugly/fat/gross/weird/like I don't belong/awkward/annoying/stupid/fat/fat/fat/like everyone doesn't like me/is talking behind my back and judging me and thinks Chad is an idiot for being with me/worthless.

Ya, but whether I stay down there or not, I have to bring the food and give Chad a ride. I just wish I could be pretty and fun and liked by everyone. I want to be good enough for everyone. I don't want to be good/great/the best/absolute most perfect. Just good enough and accepted.

My brother just text me. They are starting. I'm heading out so wish me luck....
<3 Toxic

Feeling better.

Really though, I am. :) I read a post on tumblr's thinspo page...ugh I wish I could find it again...but basicly, this girl on tumblr talks about how she is learning more and more that if you want something done and you want to better yourself only you can do it. I'm determined to find it. haha

Well, Today I had a yogurt parfait thing at school. It made me nervous cause idk how many cals are in it. Gonna guess high at 200, its small and what not. But always better to overestimate than under. I have class at 11-12 and work at 1 so I won't eat, just drink diet pepsi and then at 1 go to work and be stuck there til 6. So by then all I'll have eaten was the parfait! :) Today is going to be a good intake day!

I plan to run after work. So that will drop my net down. If I do some dance and exercise too, I will be able to burn off the 200 cals and then some! So negative day! (unless of course I have some kind of dinner.) If I do that it will only be like 210 cal chicken nuggets or something. Maybe a salad!!! yum! :)

I feel so positive today. I can do this!!!!

Found it! http://raisinbranbran.tumblr.com/post/12951716278/ive-recently-become-a-strong-believer-in-the-fact this post. idk, I just found it to be so inspiring. Espically since I've been beating myself up for eating so much lately and not losing.

Comments-
@FightToBeThin-Oh...dilute got it. :) That sounds like a good idea. Thanks for the kind words too. :) I'm just going to load up on veggies and the like. Have a tiny tiny piece of turkey and NO bread or potatos. I'm avoiding them like the plague. Who knows? this could be a good time to practice hiding food, and making it look like I've eaten more than I really have :)
@Thin Thoughts- Yes. We. Will!!!!! That pickles in mustard and ketchup sounds amazing! I eat carrots with yellow mustard. 0 cals!!! :) Also I don't like sweet pickles...they taste funny. :p I'm excited to fast, I haven't fasted for a full 24 hours in a while...I will fast with you Monday and Tuesday. Do you live in the US? If so do you want to be text buddies? We could really keep each other on track this way. :) If you do send me an email @ toxicwastedgal@hotmail.com

Well...I'm going to go for a walk around campus before class. I'm so excited to lose more weight! I will soon be in the 140s, then I will reach my first goal weight of 140 lbs.

I would add some thinspo to this post, but I really need to go walk or something. I'll post some thinspo tonight,  and update everyone on my intake.
<3 Toxic

Thoughts...

I want to be thin, so I'm not eating. Not today. Maybe I will have something like salad without dressing or carrots with mustard (it's actually really good) tomorrow. But nothing til then. Just diet soda and tea to get me through the day. I hate being fat.

Thanksgiving is next week. I'm absolutely terrified. Is anyone else? I'm going to meet Chad's extended family at their big Thanksgiving dinner...I just know they are going to think I'm fat and he could do so much better...

I hate that the scale read 154 just now...I hate that I probably won't reach 145 by the 22nd. If I could just get in the 140's (like 149 or lower...) by then, I'd feel so much better. I seriously feel so fat. That's all I can think about. I don't remember feeling this huge at 190. So wtf?! I'm thinner than I was in February, yet I feel twice as big... fuck my body. It's gross, huge, fat, and disgusting. I wanna be thin and tiny and small and cute and pretty and beautiful...someday I pray to god. Please... stupid fat gross body...get smaller. Now...

Some Thinspo...

Comments:

@Em- She really is so confident in herself...I wish I could be too. Like I said she even has her bellybutton pierced. It's crazy, cause I would never do that at her size. I envy her confidence.

@Thin Thoughts- Now that's some progress! Congrats! You are doing so great!!!! Though you plan sounds quite hard, it also sounds worth it. I need to do something stricter like you are doing. I will definitely check out your blog more. You really do have so much control! :)

@kes- Thank you! I'm amazed she cheered right back up after that happened. I agree, I would've wanted to leave right then.

@JaneApril- I hope I can keep up with the loss, I HAVE to. Yeah, Abercrombie's sizing is tiny. Still...I wanna go in there one day and ask someone working "do you have this in a size small?" or "I need these jeans in a 0, the 2 is lose." ahh....that will be the day. :)

@FightToBeThin-add dilute? sorry, I don't know what you mean by that...but wow, your liquid fast sounds genius. You get the energy you need to still work out and everything. That's great! :) Omfg! I LOVE peppermint tea! I didn't buy the dress (yet.) They only had a size 8, 10, and 14 in stock. I tired the 8 on and it fit. A 6 I think would still be too tight, but I will work my ass off and buy it in a 6! 

Thanks everyone for the support. I officially have 50 followers now! I can't believe it. Well, after typing that I'm in a much better mood. I think I'll make some peppermint tea and do some homework now. Going to hopefully go for a run later too. If I stay busy (which won't be hard) I can stay away from food all day!
<3 Toxic

Scales.

So I gotta say, I haven't weighed myself since Thursday, and I went shopping with a good friend of mine who I've known since we were little kids. She's not a tiny girl either...but she's really sweet and is happy with her size. She's actually the reason Chad asked me out, she knows Chad cause her brother and him have been friends, and when she found out I liked him she told him and told him to ask me out. So we are all good friends. Anyways, we went to American Eagle yesterday and I tried on that dress in an 8. It fit good, BUT I want a 6! Well, I felt bad cause she can't really wear AE's clothes but she was really nice and came in with me and waited while I tried the dress on. While I was changing I guess a guy working there gave her shitty look. She said he looked at her like 'you're so fucking fat why are you in here' She didn't really let it bother her though. I told her I'm sorry and that was really shitty of him. If I got a look like that, I'd want to go home right then and cry. She didn't for sure. I never want to feel like I'm too big to shop at the stores (American Eagle, Hollister, Abercrombie, ect.) with cute skinny clothes. Ever. I love shopping. It motivates me to get smaller! :)

Before we left I had some lasagna for lunch. Well while we were there we went to the food court and got Japanese and Italian food. I got shrimp tempura with white rice and a bread stick. Ate 3 and a half shrimp, like 10 bites of rice, and I tore the bread stick in half and ate the half that was a little smaller. Latter before we left, we passed a Mrs. Field's cookie shop and she wanted cookies. I said I don't really but if you do get one. Well, we walked over and it smelled so good. I got a cookie with M&M's on it. Ate the whole damn thing. UGH! control damn it! I'll never have it if I keep doing this....

So because of all that I wasn't going to weigh myself, too afraid I had gained from my 153.0 Thursday. but curiosity killed the cat. I got on the scale....(drum roll please).......151.0! yes!!!! Which means I can totally get to 145 by the 22nd.

We also looked at bellybutton rings in a few shops. (She has her's pierced) I told her I'm going to get mine done around Christmas. Since I should weigh 135 by then, but I didn't tell her that's why I'm waiting. Just hope I don't feel to fat for it....we'll see. If not, I'll wait til I lose more.

OH! comments-
@Thin Thoughts-Thanks for following! It makes me so happy that I can even motivate anyone, seriously, I love to hear that!
@FightToBeThin-I haven't been fasting, but restricting. I'd love to join you on a liquid fast sometime though. I'm not sure what is really allowed on one though. Is it all 0 cal drinks, or can you have soups and smoothies? I know different people also fast differently. So I'm curious, what do you allow yourself on a liquid fast?

Thanks so much everyone, you are all a great help in making me feel better about myself and realizing I can do what I want if I put forth the effort. YOU CAN TOO!!! I know it.
love so much! <3 Toxic

Dress!

So I gave up on  the ABC, ya I know, I'm weak and have no control... :( I haven't binged lately though :D and i'm restricting very well. Only eat solid food like twice a day usually a granola bar in the morning then nothing til dinner which I haven't been finishing. So my intakes have been under 1000, sometimes under 600 or 400 even. I weighed myself this morning. 154.2 yay!!!!

I have a new goal. I will get to 145 by my Thanksgiving break. It starts on the 22nd. So I have...17 days to lose 9.2 lbs. EASY!

My present for reaching it? I will  go to American Eagle and buy a dress for the holiday. I already picked it out. I hopefully will be able to buy a size 6.

Here's the link for a bigger picture.

http://www.ae.com/web/browse/product.jsp?productId=0394_9624_106&catId=cat5200016

I'm getting it in cream. Found the perfect shoes for it too. Can't decide between silver or gold...I think gold, but when I go buy the dress it will be easier to see which shoes look better with it.

http://www.ae.com/web/browse/product.jsp?productId=0419_2604_709&catId=cat4640024

Other than that I don't have much more to say...for some reason I find that I've stopped binging and purging almost completely, and starving has become easier, natural again...It makes me happy. I will post again soon, Monday for sure, but might post tomorrow too. I don't like posting when I fuck up or am in a slump...last weekend I sort of was...I had fun granted, but I ate like a cow. Which is why I was gone all week. Not anymore though :)

Have a lovey weekend, well, the rest of it. :)

<3 Toxic