Back after a long while.

First off I MISSED EVERYONE!!! I promise to catch up on all your blogs.

Let me fill you all in real quick. So I'm 21 years old now and had one hell of a birthday in July :) I'm still with Chad and couldn't be happier. I bought my own place! Me and Chad live together with his cat and my dog. We're still getting settled, but so far I'm happy. I'm not in school at the moment because they kicked me out for dropping so many classes and doing really bad. It's good though, I haven't purged at all in months, and I think my college was a big trigger for purging. I do binge occasionally though still... I'm still restricting and fasting.

My weight got as low as 148.6 and I got up to 165 but now I'm down to 155.8. I need to get back under my LW and will soon. The trailer park I live in has a gym that I can use for free! So I need to go.

I don't really know why but since I've been living on my own with Chad I've been so tempted to restrict, binge, and other harmful activities. I told Chad I'm trying to be healthy and change and blah blah blah and my food issues are in the past. (as if) Not gonna lie for a while (on and off) I was honestly trying to get better and accept myself and eat normal but fuck I can't do that. I just wanna be thin and I don't care what it takes I'm gonna do this! I need to. It's the only thing that makes me feel good about myself. Also it's my life, NOT my fiance, mom, friends, doctors, or anyone else's! ugh!

Anyways...my mom now knows about my past issues with food and how I used to binge/purge and starve. She also knows that's why I got sick, got stomach ulcers, and understands that all those times I magically "got sick" after eating I was purging. How the time I got mad shoved a whole half of a cheesecake in my mouth then ran out of the house I went to purge, and when she saw me go to the bathroom with a diet Pepsi I was going to purge. So I have to watch out for both my fiance who I live with, and my mom who is also my boss at work. I'm with one or both of these people for like 18-20 hours of my day. So ya, secrecy is key. Not saying I really enjoy or want to do these things (I hate purging) but damn it I will control my life.

<3 and miss you all. Feel free to comment and say hi. :)
Toxic