No more.

No more food for the rest of the night. Seriously it's been like a day long binge since 2:30 when I ate the granola bar for breakfast. Ugh wtf why?!?!

I did super good yesterday though :) I did go out to Texas Corral with Chad for dinner though...but other than that I did very very good. I'm not going to dwell on today's mistakes. No no no, not anymore. I WILL NOT eat for the rest of the night. (It's almost 10pm, soooo that's easy :)

I went tanning for the first time in a long time today, it was nice. Tanning motivates me to lose more. I wanna be tan and thin and super hot, so ya, gonna do this. :) I found my bikini for the summer too! (If I can bring myself to wear it)

So cute right?!?! :D I can't wait to buy it! I just hope they don't run out of stock cause the pink one they had is gone. It's from Abercrombie and Fitch. 

I can't wait for Chad to get off work, I hope he comes over. I might read til he does. I got Wintergirls, and omfg I love this book. I was reading at work today on break and am at the part where Lia goes to Cassie's wake. I can't put it down. Awesome book. 

Well, I hope everyone did better than I did today...tomorrow will be better for all of us. :) We will have control and reach our goals!

<3 Toxic 

Comments-

@lottie- Thank you, I did enjoy the dinner last night. I know when I get control of my eating I change my attitude and become a real go-getter, my determination and will power for everything increases and I try so much harder.

@Thin Thoughts- I can text to Canada :) If you want to be texting buddies e-mail me at toxicwastedgal@hotmail.com

Thinspo- 

Slip until I fall.

I was doing so good, (but bad I now realize), I honestly wasn't counting calories (sometimes), ate without measuring my food (usually), and feeling kinda good (sometimes). Every now and then I'd remember why I am/was doing this, but I'd still not care so much cause I was happy and busy with school and in love with my fiance. So I'd eat and be "healthy." Something snapped. I started getting really depressed and would cry at the drop of a hat. Yesterday at work I burst into tears on my break. I've been making Chad feel like shit because I'm so hopeless. I keep asking him what I'm supposed to do and telling him about how I should be at a big campus, working towards a career and degree I really want not at home, with a car and being successful and happy. But I'm not and I have nothing to show for the past 2 years, I've set myself back. Stuck at home, lost my scholarships and am about to fail out of school, no car, and my weight is stuck at like 155. Fuck!

That's when it snapped. I can see it all now, I've lost control and this really scares me. I didn't eat but one 80 cal fruit pop last night, I didn't want to go to Chad's for dinner with him cause 1. I was dead tired and wanted to sleep, but 2. and this is the main reason, I didn't want to be near food. So I stayed home and woke up at 8pm to him back at my house lying next to me. I had a fruit pop. That was my dinner. This morning I had a piece of whole grain wheat toast (70 cals) with blueberry jam (40 cals) so I'm still at 115 for the day. yay me! :) I'm hungry and it feels so good. When I am like this I know I have control. I'm gonna keep starving now. 

I was debating on eating, but I think It will just end in me hating myself or worse losing control and binging. Also Chad wants to celebrate or 8 months. He was talking about cake. :( So I won't eat now so that later I can pretend to be normal for him. He doesn't need my losingcontrollifefallingapart stress. 

I hope I can find happiness, I at a loss right now. The only thing that will make me happy right now is the numbers shrinking. I wanna be tiny.

Water or 0 cal tea. That is what I'll have. Then it's class from 4-7:30. Should be easy to keep control. 

<3 Toxic

I want to add some thinspo to this. 

Love Cassie :)

Sorry If I've posted any of these before. I hope everyone has a good day. I will try to. :)

Texting buddies? :)

I would love to have a texting buddy. Someone to keep me on track and lose weight with, motivate each other, help each other avoid temptation, and just talk with. Anyone interested? I have free texting. You must live in the U.S. though. If you wanna be text buddies just e-mail me. toxicwastedgal@hotmail.com :)
<3 Toxic

My life, the train wreck

My mom has to walk home from work because of me, my sister has to clean and watch the house because of me, my brother can't enjoy the day because of me, and my fiance left angry because of me. I hate myself so much. Everything is falling apart and I'm lying on my bedroom floor where I just threw evething in a fit of rage crying my eyes out. I'm alone and everyone hates me and it's all my fault. At least I can be away from food. I will not eat.