Slip until I fall.

I was doing so good, (but bad I now realize), I honestly wasn't counting calories (sometimes), ate without measuring my food (usually), and feeling kinda good (sometimes). Every now and then I'd remember why I am/was doing this, but I'd still not care so much cause I was happy and busy with school and in love with my fiance. So I'd eat and be "healthy." Something snapped. I started getting really depressed and would cry at the drop of a hat. Yesterday at work I burst into tears on my break. I've been making Chad feel like shit because I'm so hopeless. I keep asking him what I'm supposed to do and telling him about how I should be at a big campus, working towards a career and degree I really want not at home, with a car and being successful and happy. But I'm not and I have nothing to show for the past 2 years, I've set myself back. Stuck at home, lost my scholarships and am about to fail out of school, no car, and my weight is stuck at like 155. Fuck!

That's when it snapped. I can see it all now, I've lost control and this really scares me. I didn't eat but one 80 cal fruit pop last night, I didn't want to go to Chad's for dinner with him cause 1. I was dead tired and wanted to sleep, but 2. and this is the main reason, I didn't want to be near food. So I stayed home and woke up at 8pm to him back at my house lying next to me. I had a fruit pop. That was my dinner. This morning I had a piece of whole grain wheat toast (70 cals) with blueberry jam (40 cals) so I'm still at 115 for the day. yay me! :) I'm hungry and it feels so good. When I am like this I know I have control. I'm gonna keep starving now. 

I was debating on eating, but I think It will just end in me hating myself or worse losing control and binging. Also Chad wants to celebrate or 8 months. He was talking about cake. :( So I won't eat now so that later I can pretend to be normal for him. He doesn't need my losingcontrollifefallingapart stress. 

I hope I can find happiness, I at a loss right now. The only thing that will make me happy right now is the numbers shrinking. I wanna be tiny.

Water or 0 cal tea. That is what I'll have. Then it's class from 4-7:30. Should be easy to keep control. 

<3 Toxic

I want to add some thinspo to this. 

Love Cassie :)

Sorry If I've posted any of these before. I hope everyone has a good day. I will try to. :)