Fresh Start.

So, I'm back in school :) I love it, only 215 cals today. Had 1.5 servings of coco puffs with 1 cup almond milk for breakfast. Won't be able to eat until 7, and I work at 10. So i'm might just skip it all together. I'm so hungry right now, but I'm just sort of enjoying this feeling.

My break is done in 30 minutes, then I go to what i think might just become my favorite class, food and nutrition. One of our assignments for this class is to keep a 3 day record of what we eat. hahaha yeah...about that. Guess I'm just gonna lie through my teeth. Oh, and later in the semester we will be studying EDs. Should be interesting this course...

My weight got back up to 164.4, so I am starting over in way...I plan to be at 140 by Thanksgiving. Shouldn't be too hard :) I even made a new chart on the back of my door. I put it up over the old one that started at 190.6. I am more determined than ever to keep Ana close and Mia away. I hate purging soooo much. It's not who I want to be. So as long as I don't binge really bad I shouldn't need to. I haven't binged since school started!! Which is also when i weight at 164.4. Mondays are my new "official" weigh in days, cause I don't stay over at Chad's house so I'm guaranteed to be near my scale on Monday morning :)

This also led me to redesign my blog. I hope you all like it, please comment on what you would like changed, colors, fonts, ect. Also I'm adding tabs to it! :) So far I have one for my personal stats and one for safe foods. Any other tab suggestions?

Ok, i'm off to class. Stay strong everyone!
<3 Toxic

Tomorrow, A new day. Tonight, a new night.

I still have yet to start my soup diet...Just been eating a lot cause me and Chad are always together, so I eat when he does...and he eats a lot. Brother's going away breakfast at McDonald's this morning. Chad went with and a whole bunch of other bmx riders and skateboarders came too. I had a black coffee and one of those bacon egg cheese bagel things. I didn't eat all of it! :) left the last bit of it and then threw it away. Just had a sloppy joe though... :( no more food for the rest of the day. :) promise. Then fast tomorrow which should be easy cause Chad is going out of town to bike at this huge indoor park. YAY! NO FOOD FOR ME!! :) Then soup diet for 3 days. (already bought some soup.)

Last night, we had sex again, and I felt horrible. Got him off with a blow job, then we went right back at it, this time intercourse, and he couldn't keep it up. ugh, I'm so fat and disgusting is probably one reason why, and boring. We were lying in bed and I was so upset cause I had eaten 3 pieces of pizza, a parfait, and root beer float. (I know I'm a disgusting fat ass.) He asked me what was wrong and I told him I was just upset with myself. He thought it was the whole sex issue and I said no, and admitted it was because I was thinking about the fact that I ate too much today. He told me it's all ok, that he loves me, and we could go for a bike ride tomorrow. At this I smiled and threw my arms around him (still feeling like shit, but happy he's willing to help and make me feel better.) I grabbed at my red string bracelet to fix it. He looked down and asked me "What's the story behind this thing?" I told him there is no story, and it was just tied on and I didn't want to take it off and ruin it cause the knot is so tight....

But I wanted to tell him so bad. I don't like keeping such a big secret from him. It's different from keeping it from everyone else...ya know? I can't tell him though. No matter what, I can't. Because what if I do, and then he's all worried and tries to force me to eat?!?! I'd hate that. This starving/intense exercising/(occasional) purging...it's a part of me. The one thing I have that is all my own, and it makes me happy. Just wish I didn't binge so much...but my bingeing has become more rare, and I have been able to stop myself before it gets too out of control. I also wonder, what if I told him, and because he loves me so much, he somehow understands and lets me live how I do? If he stops offering me food, ignores my growling stomach when we're lying in bed,  doesn't question me when I constantly turn down food, and even cheers me on and supports me when I lose lbs and go down sizes? ah...then he really would be the perfect boyfriend....If we all had someone like that in our lives? How wonderful it would be...

But I'm so happy and lucky to have all of you on here. You all are such great people. Your support, love, and understanding helps get me through some of my darkest days. I truly mean these words, and I wish to be there for you all when you need me too. If you ever need someone, I will try my best to be there and offer a helping, caring hand. Don't hesitate to message me toxicwastedgal@hotmail.com
You're all amazing, truly.
<3 Toxic

oh ya, and some thinspo :) Tine-y tiny waists!

Ideas. Gonna stick to it.

So I just got home from working another late night. Yep, it's 6am. I always check cals on all sorts of food while at work. I'm on a quest for safe ones.Yesterday, I found a calorie free ranch dressing, and it honest to god, stopped me in my tracks. I just stood there staring at the bottle mouth a gape, and couldn't believe my eyes. (Ranch is a hardcore weakness for me.) Well today over by the ice-cream toppings I found calorie free chocolate syrup. There is a whole brand dedicated to cal free stuff, here's the link
http://www.waldenfarms.com/
It's crazy I know, and not gonna lie I'm a bit skeptical, but I'm gonna buy the ranch and see how it tastes. fingers crossed.

I got a crazy idea to do a soup diet/fast in the next few days. (Again, while looking at food labels at work :) Anyways soup is MEGA low cal for what you get, and it's so filling. I'm going to buy 9 cans of soup, with no more than 130 cals per serving in each can. (The french onion one I was looking at actually is only 50 cals per serving.) And, with 2 servings per can, 3 cans a day, my cal intake will never exceed 780. More than likely it will be even lower than that. I'm so excited for this. :) I plan to stick to just water and diet 0 cals teas for this diet too. Today I will fast, just having my coffee, water, and diet drinks, then the next 3 days after will be the soup fast. (I hope this goes well, I NEED to get back under 160.)

Anyways, I'm so happy to be back blogging for you all, I will post thinspo in my next post.
Until then...
<3 Toxic

Back, better :)

So this post is going to be really really short cause I'm about to head over to my boyfriend's house! :) Yes, boyfriend. That guy who rides bmx, is 21, and friends with my brother? (I will call him Chad, rather than use his real name.) yep. We're dating now. He's so amazing too! I can't believe he likes me back, and he's always telling me how beautiful he thinks I am. (He's insane obviously) We started dating on the 26th of July. Oh, and I'm no longer a virgin thanks to him. Anyways...

My weight got down to 158! :) but now I think i'm back at like 162-3 ish :( I'll fix it soon. I have to! I gotta get down near 155 or even under that before school starts on the 22nd. Went running today, but now my leg is sore cause i kinda twisted it or something two days ago at work. :( Oh well, ran anyways. :)

I think my new UGW is 115. yeah, 115. That will look great on me :)

I have internet again, so I will post much, much more often. I can't wait to start commenting on all your posts again too! I love you all!
<3 Toxic