Last night, we had sex again, and I felt horrible. Got him off with a blow job, then we went right back at it, this time intercourse, and he couldn't keep it up. ugh, I'm so fat and disgusting is probably one reason why, and boring. We were lying in bed and I was so upset cause I had eaten 3 pieces of pizza, a parfait, and root beer float. (I know I'm a disgusting fat ass.) He asked me what was wrong and I told him I was just upset with myself. He thought it was the whole sex issue and I said no, and admitted it was because I was thinking about the fact that I ate too much today. He told me it's all ok, that he loves me, and we could go for a bike ride tomorrow. At this I smiled and threw my arms around him (still feeling like shit, but happy he's willing to help and make me feel better.) I grabbed at my red string bracelet to fix it. He looked down and asked me "What's the story behind this thing?" I told him there is no story, and it was just tied on and I didn't want to take it off and ruin it cause the knot is so tight....
But I wanted to tell him so bad. I don't like keeping such a big secret from him. It's different from keeping it from everyone else...ya know? I can't tell him though. No matter what, I can't. Because what if I do, and then he's all worried and tries to force me to eat?!?! I'd hate that. This starving/intense exercising/(occasional) purging...it's a part of me. The one thing I have that is all my own, and it makes me happy. Just wish I didn't binge so much...but my bingeing has become more rare, and I have been able to stop myself before it gets too out of control. I also wonder, what if I told him, and because he loves me so much, he somehow understands and lets me live how I do? If he stops offering me food, ignores my growling stomach when we're lying in bed, doesn't question me when I constantly turn down food, and even cheers me on and supports me when I lose lbs and go down sizes? ah...then he really would be the perfect boyfriend....If we all had someone like that in our lives? How wonderful it would be...
But I'm so happy and lucky to have all of you on here. You all are such great people. Your support, love, and understanding helps get me through some of my darkest days. I truly mean these words, and I wish to be there for you all when you need me too. If you ever need someone, I will try my best to be there and offer a helping, caring hand. Don't hesitate to message me toxicwastedgal@hotmail.com
You're all amazing, truly.
<3 Toxic
oh ya, and some thinspo :) Tine-y tiny waists!
it's odd, isn't it? stuck between practically cuddling with out secret&wanting to scream it to the world. on the other hand, i tend to feel like if i have to say it, if they're not noticing, then i'm not sick anyway so there's nothing to say. gotta love fucked up logic. anyway, about the tea, i drink ginger tea&peppermint often because they help my stomach when it's not feeling great. most people say to drink tea in general to suppress appetite. if green tea isn't doing enough for you, pick out a flavor that just sounds ridiculously amazing. if you like to add cream, try adding unsweet almond milk (35cals). i'm glad your boy is so sweet to you. just remember that you can't untell him&you can't really know how he'll react. you'll make the right choice no matter what you choose to do though. stay strong, doll.
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zette