I really need to post more often

Sorry for not having posted in the last...3 weeks. It's been hectic with school and all. I'm supposed to be in my English class...but I really think I'm gonna drop that one. Anyways, I'm doing good in my other classes :) though I need to do my Statistics homework before 4 p.m.

I weighed myself, was shocked as hell too. Chad stayed the night and after I woke up I got dressed and went to pee, well he got up while I was taking off all my clothes to hop on the scale, he was looking at me so I told him to look away, and he said he couldn't read the scale from my bed, but I told him again not to look and he said he wasn't, so then I said look away, and he finally threw the blanket over his head so I could stand on it. 151.6...much better than I expected. After 2 days of binging, then eating "normally" I hadn't really gained too much. I was honestly expecting to see something in the mid-upper 150s like 155 or higher. So I gave a sigh of relief "Thank god!" "It good babe?" he threw the cover off his head and I told him "No, but I hasn't really changed, I was expecting much worse."

After this we went to take my dog to the vet. He didn't want to go, and we had to carry him in, but once he saw all the other dogs he got very excited and happy. He is a golden doodle named Coby. There was even another golden doodle in the waiting room and he kept trying to go and play with it. I miss him cause he has to stay overnight at the vet. :( But I get to pick him up tomorrow at noon :)
here's a pic of him

Well, I ate some pancakes (3) with strawberry syrup and had coffee when I got home. Chad had some too, and then toke him home and drove my moms car to school. Now I'm sitting here and having not eaten since 8 this morning, I'm starting to feel empty and hungry, which I love right now. I want to start restricting more and more. I need to lost these last 36.6 pounds. ugh, it's so damn much! I have to do this! I know I can, I've done it before. I just really wish I could be like I was again, when I would eat very little and lose all the time. When I didn't binge or purge, and rode my bike and ran all the time. So from here on, I'm going to work on doing all that again. I did run yesterday, and toke my other dog for a long walk. :) today I'm going to run after school, and work out after Chad is done at work. 

I need to stop 'allowing' myself food, telling myself 'just this once' or 'this is the last time' and 'tomorrow I will make up for this' THAT'S NOT HELPING!!! 

I will add a little thinspo to this and comment on your comments.

Comments- 

@lulu- Ya, that is true, plus when I work it off, I am also toning my body so when I am thin it will look even better. :)

@Scarlett- Me too, it just sucks working it off sometimes, it can be such hard work. Though it feels great afterwards.

@thinspirationljourney- Thank you and thanks for following. :) I will try to just eat healthier, I haven't had pop reg or diet in 2 weeks! So awesome! :)

@lottie- Thank you! :) I am feeling empty now, its so nice. 

Well, I need to go to class, It starts in 10 minutes.

<3 Toxic

Some thinspo, comments, ect.

So I ate 4 or 5 cookies for dinner with whole milk :(... not even thinking, I just did it. Now my stomach hurts. I don't know if it's just psychosomatic or if the sugar and stuff is upsetting me, but it hurts and I hate myself for it. It could be worse, I keep telling myself this, but I feel so full I just want to purge. So so so so so so so bad! I really just want to purge and I can't stop thinking about going into the bathroom, turning on all the faucets and doing it. My mom isn't home, Chad's at work, and it would just be toooo easy. My dad just got here but he's clueless and my sis and bro wouldn't think twice. I wish I could just do it, but just thinking about it is making me feel guilty. Like he will just know. He will just know and keep poking and prodding til I tell him when I see him after work tonight. Actually I will see him at work...Fuck I work in 30 mins! Forgot.

Ugh, I need to work out extra hard tonight. Bike ride or run tomorrow too. Fuck this I'm so fat I hate it. I wanna weigh myself by Wednesday, but the scale scares the hell out of me right now. On the other hand what if I lost :) but what if I've gained!?!? Ugh it's terrifying. I hope I'm down. Even if I've maintained, I'd be happy at this point. (I say that now, but if I got on the scale and still was in the 150s, I'd die.)

Well I can finally comment on comments! :D
@Scarlett- Thank you so much, I can't believe it honestly. :) Most the time I think he thinks I'm lying or something for attention or something fucked up. After all I'm too fat to starve. (At least thats what I think when I talk to him about it.)
@lottie_x- Thank you! :) I really am trying, sometimes it's just way too tempting.
@Em- I know right?! Thank you!!!
@lulu- They are the best! Though I like the cutesy/pretty concept of Aerie too. :)

Thinspo time.

Ok, going to work without purging. Why do I feel so disapointed? :(

<3 Toxic

New jeans, Hollister breakdown, awesome workout.

Omfg....I'm dying. Just worked out with Chad. Went on for almost an hour. I also ran earlier after getting home from the mall, and a short bike ride at noon. Great output today. :) I toke in 1060 cals today. So I know my weight will have gone down a little.

So I went to the mall today. GOT SIZE 6 AE JEANS. :) I was hesitant to wear them, but I am wearing them right now. Chad likes my butt in em. Haha he's a weirdo. Anyways, I went to Hollister too to look at jeans and I tried on a 7. It was tight, and I could see my fat over the jeans when I looked in the mirror...my eyes all teary, then I looked up at my face and said to myself, "what made you think you could come in here and buy size 7 jeans? You're too fat for this store." I knew then and there that things need to change. Like really change. I walked out without getting anything. Still upset.got

Well, now I feel sick and nauseous like I'm gonna puke. Ugh...sucks, but at least I got a good workout. So my day got better. :) Haven't eaten since before the mall. Like 4ish. Oh wait, I had a zero Cal pickle 2 hours ago. Nevermind. Uhhh...gonna lie down. Sorry no thinspo. On my phone. Will do a legit post tomorrow. <3 Toxic

Blogger on my phone!

So I'm posting from my phone for the first time so if it is full of typos and other stuff Im sorry. I won't be adding thinspo to this post, or commenting on your comments til my next post.

Its 1:30 and I'm at Chad's house. He's eating ice cream and on the computer while I'm on here. :) its a pretty chill night. We just got back after going to the gas station and geting energy drinks and food. I got a monster absolutely zero. No cals! Then a pack of 6 cheese Ritz crackers and bag of chocolate covered pretzels. I hadn't eaten for almost 8 hours before them, and while eating, I got up to pee then came back and honestly couldn't stomach any more. Just the thought of food....yuck. I ate 2 cheese crackers and like 10ish pretzels. No more food. At least I'm no longer dizzy.

Today was good and productive :) I wrote my whole English paper, and rode my bike about 1.5 miles. Not much, but it was cold. Chad toke my computer speed-o-meter thing off my old bike and put it on my new one. I got to 18.2 mph flat ground, not even on a hill. :) made me feel like a badass.

Tomorrow is school then work. Fridays I only have 2 classes. I get done with work at 5:30, then hopefully shopping with my mom at American Eagle. The closest one is like a half-hour drive away. I'm going to get new jeans! Buying so.e size 8s and some 6s cuz my 8s are getting big and loose. (Also Chad swears my pants are way too loose and says I need to get a 6 when I go. He says he likes tight pants on my butt.) Hahahaha weird.

Well I hope all is going good for my lovely followers, phone is about to die.
<3 Toxic

School post, update, ect.

So today I weighted myself, 150.2. poop. well, better than I thought :) I was 152 a few days ago. Still I'm so far off from where I should be...oh well, I will make progress. I'm proud of myself cause I haven't purged since right around Christmas :) my mom caught me (sort of) she heard me and swears I make myself throw up now, but she hasn't said anything since.

I want to lose weight in a healthy way. Chad is helping me cope so much, and as a result I haven't even binged much. I try to eat "normally" or a little less than, but sometimes it is so tempting to go back to how I was. I hate hate hate binge/purging though, I haven't eaten all day. I enjoy fasting. Though I honestly try to make myself eat when I am truly hungry, cause I don't want to binge. Restricting leads to binging for me... :(

But I spend a lot more time with Chad cause guess what?!?!? WE'RE ENGAGED!!! I'm so happy. :) He proposed to me on the 5th of December, at the beach where he asked me out. It was freezing! I cried and everything. It was so sweet and romantic and all that.

Since he's almost always with me, it means I'm always with him when he wants to eat. He doesn't make me eat, but when we go out and I'm like "well I'm kinda hungry I think..." or my stomach growls and he asks if I've eaten yet and I haven't or say something like "I've had enough today"  He will tell me "babe, if you're hungry, you need to eat." or "It's ok to eat." or "We can get though this, you're too used to how you were thinking, change is good and when your stomach is growling and hurts it's your body telling you you need to eat babe." As much as I hate giving in and eating, it is helping. He is helping me not to binge. :) I love him. He is even working out and exercising with me so I can burn it off in a good way rather than feel I need to purge it all.

Right now, I'm sitting at school super depressed cause I'm stuck here til 7:20, my car is broke so Chad dropped me off and my mom is picking me up.....gtg class, will write more.




....I wrote that on Monday. It's Wednesday, so I will post tonight when I get home. Things are getting better and better. Ate good today. Very healthy and not to much. :) Didn't get to ride my new bike yet though :(
<3 you all, going to my next class
Toxic

p.s.
I want to comment on your comments :)
@lulu- Thank you, I've missed you too. You are so nice and I'm happy to have someone like you following my blog. :)
@Scarlett- Thank you for the support! I promise to start posting a lot more. You all keep me so focused. :)
@FightToBeThin- Thanksgiving actually went great, and I stayed at the skatepark all day. Everyone was so nice. Ya, I haven't been checking my e-mail, but I will do that more too.

p.p.s
Sorry if there are any typos, gtg to class and don't have time to look this over.