How many of you still blog?

I miss my blog, but haven't posted in a really long time. (For various reasons.) Anyway, if I started a new blog, that I updated regularly. Would anyone follow? Also how many of you still blog on here? I want to continue to follow and comment on your blogs.

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Some thinspo before I end this...

Weight = No Change.

So I weighed myself this morning after taking Chad to work, 159.2 still. ugh! oh well tomorrow it will be lower. I figure if I get to 140 by Thanksgiving I will be happy.

Got a (new) used jeep liberty :) it's a 2011. I'm so happy about it, love how it drives.

Today we have a lunch at work, I'm gonna get something low cal and healthy. Grilled chicken breast and veggs? I think so. I have some pineapple in the fridge here and like tons of bottled water. So I will eat, a bit. I need to I know... I guess

I can't wait to get off work today :) Gonna check out the free gym in my park. yay! I need to exercise!

Well I gtg get workin, no internet at the house yet...
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159.2

ONE HUNDRED FIFTY NINE fucking lbs!!! I'm freaking out right now, like seriously. I don't know what to do anymore, think I'm gonna really fall back into old habits, like hard. I CAN NOT get over 160, I will lose it. I'll go crazy. Time to get it back together.

Promise I'll post again soon. But with not having internet right now it's hard. Next post I'll be under 155.

Can't wait for 115.

<3 Toxic

Changes.

Another day at work. So far today I've had...
a packet of better oats dark chocolate oatmeal 160
a small bowl of my moms homemade chili ???
7 crackers 98 cals
and a mini chocolate bar 70 cals i think

So I've had over 328 cals and it's not even noon yet. omg what the hell is my problem?! Ok ok, control. No more food till dinner then I'll have an apple so Chad doesn't freak out on me. I wanna go take my dog to the park after work. I can run with him there :) It's a no leash dog park which I know he'll love. I wanna do some push-ups and free weights too cuz my arms suck, so much.

Last night was no fun. :( I didn't get home from work until 8pm. When we got home I was upset cause I was tired and the day was over. So I started making mac and cheese. Every little thing Chad said or did was making me even more angry so by the time I was done cooking and filled half a bowl with it and sat down I didn't want to talk or anything. Chad ate the rest of the pot. I ate about half of my half bowl.Well, he kept asking me whats wrong and "nothing" wasn't a good enough answer and he kept proding and so we got on the subject of food. "You know you have to eat, you need to to live." I say nothing "You need to eat you can't just not eat, when you're hungry your body wants  food." Then he says "You can't control when you're hungry." That was the last straw I glared at him set my food on the floor for the dog and went to bed. So ya, no fun.

Ew. I just looked across the hall at the other dr.'s office and see a girl I went to school with since 4th grade. I hated that bitch she was always so mean to me. Still thin and perfect as ever... sigh. lucky. This drug rep. just brought a super good looking strusel to work. I want some but I can't have it. I won't.

I need to weigh myself... I'm just scared I've gained. :( bet I have. Wll...I'll do good today and weigh tomorrow morning after Chad goes to work. Should be easy to get out of dinner tonight, going to my moms house to watch tv. Sons of Anarchy is on and I don't have cable yet.

<3 love you all. I'll post again soon.
Toxic

Back after a long while.

First off I MISSED EVERYONE!!! I promise to catch up on all your blogs.

Let me fill you all in real quick. So I'm 21 years old now and had one hell of a birthday in July :) I'm still with Chad and couldn't be happier. I bought my own place! Me and Chad live together with his cat and my dog. We're still getting settled, but so far I'm happy. I'm not in school at the moment because they kicked me out for dropping so many classes and doing really bad. It's good though, I haven't purged at all in months, and I think my college was a big trigger for purging. I do binge occasionally though still... I'm still restricting and fasting.

My weight got as low as 148.6 and I got up to 165 but now I'm down to 155.8. I need to get back under my LW and will soon. The trailer park I live in has a gym that I can use for free! So I need to go.

I don't really know why but since I've been living on my own with Chad I've been so tempted to restrict, binge, and other harmful activities. I told Chad I'm trying to be healthy and change and blah blah blah and my food issues are in the past. (as if) Not gonna lie for a while (on and off) I was honestly trying to get better and accept myself and eat normal but fuck I can't do that. I just wanna be thin and I don't care what it takes I'm gonna do this! I need to. It's the only thing that makes me feel good about myself. Also it's my life, NOT my fiance, mom, friends, doctors, or anyone else's! ugh!

Anyways...my mom now knows about my past issues with food and how I used to binge/purge and starve. She also knows that's why I got sick, got stomach ulcers, and understands that all those times I magically "got sick" after eating I was purging. How the time I got mad shoved a whole half of a cheesecake in my mouth then ran out of the house I went to purge, and when she saw me go to the bathroom with a diet Pepsi I was going to purge. So I have to watch out for both my fiance who I live with, and my mom who is also my boss at work. I'm with one or both of these people for like 18-20 hours of my day. So ya, secrecy is key. Not saying I really enjoy or want to do these things (I hate purging) but damn it I will control my life.

<3 and miss you all. Feel free to comment and say hi. :)
Toxic

Restricted foods.

I haven't drank pop in like 4 or 5 months. It's great, though I haven't lost weight because of it. grrrr. Anyways I don't plan to drink pop, I'm done. I try to stick to 0 cal drinks too which limits me to tea, water and coffee. But I found these super awesome carbonated waters at Wal-mart. for 69 cents. :) They have like 15 flavors too. I'm going to keep restricting foods that are bad (haha all food is bad) kidding don't listen to me. But ya, No more Nutella cause that is 1. high cal and 2. a binge food. Evil! I won't eat Oreos either for the same reasons. So no more of that crap.

I got a new job! So I have two now. I got a job at my moms doctor's office as a secretary. It's really nice and I enjoy it a lot. Just sucks they get food at the office a lot. Like today we ordered Chili's. Which broke a fast I had going. (14 hours) I wanted to go at least 24 hours....well that just means I had to start again. I had cereal when I got home, so I'm not really sure how long it's been since I ate...I think I ate at 5:30 so I'll say fast started at 6 which means it's only been 3 hours since I ate. No wonder I feel gross... :( I'm not eating anymore tonight, and no breakfast tomorrow. Skipping meals again!

I wanna go get something to drink but don't want to spend money. I need to save every penny so I can go on a trip during the summer. Me and a friend are going to Japan! :D I can't wait! I want to get down under 140 for the trip so I can easily fit in some cute clothes from Japanese shops like Liz Lisa or Ceceil McBee. So ya, I need to lose weight and save money.

Comments-
@Lottie- Thank you! You're always so nice and lovely. :) I bought the bikini. I got a medium which is a little small for me. It will fit when I reach 140 though. That's for sure.

@mylittlebone-Thanks for following me, I like your blog :)

@Megan- I just use my fingers which sucks cause I don't have much of a gag reflex and I have to force it which can really hurt. (I've scratched myself before many times) I hate doing it, and don't recommend it at all. I thought you could still get ipecac but you just had to go to the pharmacy counter and ask for it?

@FightToBeThin- Ugh, tell me about it. Sometimes I feel like I might just break right in front of everyone...I hate it, being so broken on the inside and on the outside no one even sees. The other day my friend said I'm fun to be around cause I'm always happy. If they only knew...

@Cleona- Ya, it sucks cause I'm the older sister and should set a good example. I pray to god that I never trigger or have triggered her. She seems to be somewhat normal, but I do notice she binges daily... she has put on weight too, and I hope she doesn't let it depress her. I know what you mean, It's hard knowing what they are going through, but idk how I could help.

Thinspo time, I kinda have a boney/emaciated/super thin theme going on.

I think I'm gonna finish reading Wintergirls for the second time, then I'm gonna read Unbearable Lightness. I already read Wasted, but are there any other good triggering books about eating disorders or anorexia? Have a lovely day. Thank you all for still following me, I know I don't post as often as I say I will.

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Purge

Its all I can think about right now, I wanna throw up soooo badly. Sucks cause I didn't even binge. Just ate a small slice of cheese cake (like REALLY small) and a small bowl of chili. Its like mia is back to haunt me, smiling and tapping my shoulder all the while I have to sit here and smile and not throw up and pretend to be fine and happy cause I'm at Chad's and he thinks I'm doing soooo much better. Well I am, and then I'm not. I can't let him know its bugging me. Ugh. Run tonight and 100+ crunches. (And like a shit ton of other stuff i'll later decide to do.) then 10 miles minimum on my bike tomorrow morning. No more food and no breakfast. Ya, not the best way, but its what I gotta do. :/

Hope everyone's day is going good. I will comment on comments and add thinspo to my next post. (On my phone now)
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