Crazy Beautiful (Busy) Life.

Wow....so besides a spaghetti binge that was absolutely horrible, my intakes have been AMAZING. I've been starving myself very very well. Exercising like crazy, and getting back on track with a vengeance. The past two days especially have been...just wow...great! :)

I've been sure to bike at least 6 miles a day, today I wanted to get over 7...was hoping for 10, but my calves tightened up and I could barely move them  when I had gotten 5 and a half miles in and so I came home. Tomorrow before work, I will do at least 9 miles. No excuses. It helps that I bike so fast haha, I race around this park by my house and feel kinda bad cause I yell at people "On your left!" So loud I almost give them heart attacks as I zoom by. (I hate having to slow down for people who won't move. grrr...)  Gonna buy a speed-o-meter for my bike that also counts how many calories you have burned! Which means I will probably be on my bike even more.

Also, I think my scale is broken :( Its said I weigh 162.8 just now...umm I was like 172 this morning...so that's impossible. I keep moving it and it still says 162.8. Toke out the batteries and STILL 162.8. I think I'm going to stop in at my mom's work (She's the head nurse at a doctor's office.) and use their scale. I still hope I lost a lot...and my pants are starting to get really lose :) gonna get into a size 10 soon hopefully. I will get a 40% off award coupon from American Eagle next month! All because I spent sooo much the past 3 months. So I will go on a shopping spree and get a bunch of size 10 pants and some hoodies for fall. I've never gotten the 40% reward before. So exciting! :)

Comments
@Lottie- Glad you liked the redhead thinspo so much, and that I was able to add to your ipod collection. I really hope to get to my goal by school, if I keep this up it is possible. :) Hope you have been doing well, and not binging. Sorry I haven't been able to check your blog, will as so as I have finished writing this. Thanks again for your post that helped me get really motivated, we can do this together!
@Dogsdontbite-ugh you are so right, guys are such strange creatures, and can go fuck themselves haha. I know you can beat binging, and always remember you are not alone. I'm hear for you, and we can do this together! Let's reach our goals and have control! :)

Well...not much more to say. OH! I have a new favorite thinspo model. She is amazing! She also models for American Eagle and Aerie. Her name is Cintia Dicker, 5'10" and a size 4...and such pretty red hair.
Here are some pics

And...that is all I really have to say for now. Will try my best to start updating daily or as close to daily as I can. I really love blogging for you all, and the positive feedback and support you give means so much to me. I will try to comment and read more of your blogs too. I feel bad for not being on here at all the past 2-3 days.

<3 so much, Toxic

Completely new perspective. (Response to Lottie's post-'Sorry, another post')

So Lottie posted earlier today, and I just gotta say, this post really impacted me and the way I think about myself and my weight loss. The original post here: http://dreaming-skinny.blogspot.com/2011/06/sorry-another-post.html

I want to thank her again, this has really truly got me motivated and back on track.
Lottie: Your determination, and fresh outlook on your own weight loss has reminded me that the whole reason I lost so much before was because I enjoyed it. I loved the feeling of being empty. The pains in my stomach and loud growling noises it made that had others asking me if I was alright and if I needed to eat. I got a thrill out of lying to people and saying "Sorry I'm not hungry. I just ate a whole bunch at my house." Or taking food into my room and hiding it only to give the whole thing to my dogs later, or to the trash. I never really worried about being alone with food. Binging (though it did happen) was a rare occurrence, and when it did happen I ran happily or worked out until I nearly fainted. Then I'd smile to myself knowing I was getting thinner and the numbers were always lower. Almost every time I stepped on the scale. Lower. I had control.

The past month I've been asking myself "What's happened to me? I'm not losing like I used to." I've known it was because the binges were getting more frequent, and more intense. I've admitted to myself  that yes, I haven't been working out like I used to. But why have I changed my once great habits?

For me this whole losing thing has become less fun. I depress myself to much when that I binge and then get even more upset to the point where I ask myself "What's the point?" It stopped being fun after that younger boy I liked stopped talking to me and got a girlfriend. I then thought that no matter how much I lost I'd never be worth his or any other guys time. At that point I stopped doing this for myself and it became about proving myself worthy of a guy. Lately I've been desperately trying to get a boyfriend. But now I realize that what one guy or a bunch of guys think of me isn't important right now. Losing is what I did to find fulfillment in myself, and that's what it should be about. Me.

I need to start doing this for myself again. I will start doing this for me, because I love the comments from everyone saying I look like I've lost weight, I love seeing lower numbers on the scale, and damn it I LOVE STARVING! I love the feeling of being empty because it is telling me I am changing. I am losing weight. I am becoming a better person.

So from here on out it's about me. I'm putting the binging monster to rest once and for all. Or at least shutting it up for now. Tomorrow is a new day, and for me a much better day. I hope all of you will find happiness and fulfillment in starving, working out, and losing as I plan to. Oh and the boys? They can go fuck themselves for now, then when I weigh 125 pounds they will all think I'm gorgeous and adore me. This is my life and I going to be the one to control it. I make my own decisions and if people don't like what I do fuck them. They can live their lives as they please and I will live mine. And I chose to live my life happy and thin.
<3 Always, Toxic

Pizza.

Hey everyone....I weighed 171.6 yesterday. fuck. I was really sad about it and so I barely ate yesterday. (which is good) Turned down an ice cream cone saying my stomach was bothering me. Mom made me go shopping to get her some pop and shampoo, then she said she wanted cookies. I can't resist chocolate chip cookies :( so I got her these frosted ones she loves but I hate! :) so I didn't eat cookies. Resisted temptation untill...I had a pizza mini binge :( 4 slices?!?! wtf! I'm still mad at myself for that.

It's 1:30 now and I haven't ate yet. well...til now. I cut up a slice of pizza into a bunch of tiny pieces. Ate about 2/3 of it. Throwing the rest to the dogs. Right...now. :) They are very happy to have my pizza. Which is good cause it just was making me miserable. At least my stomach shouldn't hurt so bad now. I need to get my weight down, and bad.

I also really need to clean my room. Think I'm gonna move all my furniture around again. :) I love doing that. It's fun, gives me a fresh perspective, and burns cals. What's not to love? Need to decide on music though...I like to rock out in my room while I clean.

So my first day of school is Aug. 22nd. Which is 2 months from now. So....I plan to lose as much as I can before then. My goal is to weigh 150 the first day of classes. I really wanna reach this goal. Losing is so much easier while I'm in school...I don't eat and am always more inspired to lose when I'm there. Oh and I can use the gym for free. :) which I plan to use all the time, everyday I have classes. I have a 4 hour break between 2 of my classes so I plan to go then. I'm so excited for school! Wow, can't believe I'm saying that, but I am.

Oh and these 2 beautiful, skinny girls came in my work today...they both had wonderful thigh gaps...sigh. I can't wait for the day I'm as thin as they were...I want my thigh gap sooooo badly, My legs are finally getting noticeably smaller to me :) people said they got thinner but I never saw it...until recently. It's not much of a difference though...I hate that they still touch.

Well, got nothing else to say really....so I will leave you with some pics I found.
<3 Toxic

Insomnia again.

So It's 2am and I still can't sleep. This happens all the time. So I felt like I'd make a post for you all. I didn't eat very well today and had a doritos binge after my super low cal breakfast of a small bowl of cheerios with almond milk. ugh I always find a way to ruin everything don't I? Had a corn dog today...NOT proud of myself for that one. Oh, and macaroni and cheese?!?! I hate hate HATE myself for ruining my good eating streak I had going. Tomorrow will be better,much much better. Gonna try and stay around 700 cals, no more than 1000 though. My brother went to his college for an orientation and toke my car cause his wouldn't of made it. Something needs to be fixed. It doesn't bother me though cause now I have no excuses not to ride my bike everywhere I need to go, and so tomorrow I'm gonna ride to get a coffee for breakfast and go all over town all day. burn as many calories as I can to make up for the horrid damage I did today. Probably screwed myself out of the 160's and back into 170's maybe even as high as 173. I hope not, but I really was lazy and ate like crap today. Wish I could get this binge thing under control...I refuse to binge tomorrow. It won't happen cause I simply won't allow it. Nope. Not at all. Might try and bike out to the very far beach. Then climb dunes. That would help a lot. Let's see if I can sleep now, maybe I should just pull an all-nighter. I do have a Monster absolute zero energy drink in the fridge...

Well stay strong and don't follow my horrible bingey example.
<3 Toxic.

Just a little late :)

Sorry I didn't post sooner, but its been a very busy day for me.

So my life is becoming more and more stressful everyday. I feel like I'm gonna cave under it all. :(
I was super depressed Thursday night, went for a drive and just cried hysterically til I finally came home. Almost drove to my best guy friend's house cause I needed someone so bad. But didn't.

Friday I talked with him (my best guy friend...guess I'll call him Tom lol his middle name) anyways I asked Tom if he wanted to do something and so we went to see Green Lantern. We talked about having sex. He jokes with me all the time and has tired to get me to fuck him  before. I didn't. oh and i'm actually still a virgin. I just don't like sexual contact. I feel like I'm not good enough, too ugly, disgusting, and don't want someone that close cause they will see all my flaws. Anyways Tom always sleeps in my bed when he stays over, he's kinda like a brother, except I really like him/might damn near love him. Well we came home and went to bed. He started to feel me up and I said no, then we fell asleep. Well I woke up like 30 mins later and toke out my contacts and came back in the room. I really wanted some kind of contact and to feel like someone gave a damn about me and so I started scratching his thigh and he rolled over and kissed me then I said "Can we just mess around and not go all the way?" So then we just went at it. I gave him a bj and he did stuff for me. No actual sex. Then feel asleep with his arms around me. Well...next morning things were as they've always been. We are still friends, but I really don't want to be used by him...he means so much  to me and I couldn't handle/can't handle being nothing to him...

Saturday was pretty boring. Went to Ihop in the morning with my brother and Tom at like 8 in the morning. picked at my food and they weren't suspicious at all, barely ate and had a lemonade cause it just sounded so good. stayed at home and worked out all day. Had the house to myself for like 4 hours. Then went to work and got home at midnight.

Today was a hell of a lot better than I thought It was gonna be. Father's day, so I went to my grandma's house with my sister to see my dad. I hate him btw. He hates me too. Him and my mom are going through a divorce now. It was awkward at first but since my grandparents were there it was better. Dug around in her fridge looking for a safe drink. I HATE LIQUID CALORIES!!!! Finally found some diet lipton tea bottles in the back. :) Ate lunch, my grandma made spaghetti and meat sauce, salad and some corn. Salad first, corn second, then I ate the spaghetti. Was good and I didn't have too much. Skipped her pudding saying I was too full. lies. Then my aunt and cousin came over and my aunt and me talked about bikes and decided we would ride our bikes to the beach and back after we left. We went and it was a fun ride, also she bikes very fast so we kept up with and pushed each other. which was good. Met some of her friends at the beach and she bragged about me and all the weight I've lost. She said she could tell in my arms a lot cause I was wearing a short sleeve shirt. pshhh I can't tell. 20 lbs and I still see no difference :(

Oh today I weighed myself and.......169.6!!! I saw 160-something for the first time since freshman year of high school  I'm so excited and happy right now,  don't think I could've done it without everyone's loving support on here. You are all amazing. wanna try to get lower by Tuesday. Don't wanna go back to the 170's ever again.

Comments
@Dogsdontbite- The fact that you said I'm truly your favorite blog...that really touched my heart and I was so glad to hear. You really are too kind. :) I made sure to keep my promise and update soon especially for you. haha. And wow Lily Cole is beautiful, idk how I've never heard of her before. She has such a young looking and naturally beautiful face. Such a great model.
@ullalexie-Your faith in me getting into the 160's by Tuesday has been such an inspiration for me, to think I'm already there and should remain in the 160's when I weigh in Tuesday...It's just amazing. Thank you so much for believing in me. :)

Well it's late now. I wanna bike to get a coffee for breakfast tomorrow morning, so I'm off to bed now. This post was super long and so If any of you do read it. thanks for your patience and support. :)
<3 Toxic

Redhead Thinspo!!!

Are you ready for a lot of thinspo? I hope so :) found a bunch of extremely inspiring pics from all over the web. I can't wait to be a thin redhead... oh my weight is now 170.6 if anyone is wondering. gonna get in the 160's by tues. (my official weigh in day.) Will post later tonight/tomorrow. have a lot to tell you all and will get you those other pics I promised. and thank you all SOOOO much for following you are all such a great support :D
comments:
@brixy- Thanks for the comment! Ya, I found your blog through another one. Amazing blog btw! Thanks for your kind words, I'm doing my best and thinking positive now so I can get to the weight I want. :)
@Dogsdontbite-I promise to update more!! I miss/love making new posts, was just to depressed to post :( but your support is really wonderful, I'm glad to hear you enjoy my blog :)
@Lottie- You have such cute hair! I would love to see it red or purple, think that would be really cool! also I've been feeling better. I'll post more about that later though :) Love your blog!!!
@CAliChica-Ya, I totally agree that thinspo where the girls have similar hair and style as yourself is the best. It shows what you could look like when you are skinny and motivates you better. (At least that's how I feel)
@lulu- Ya, that's the kind of red I went with :) I loooooove it! It's a bright orange-y copper red. I think the cutest kind. haha

Thinspo:

Gosh, the girls in these pics....they are so beautiful. If I look that good when I'm finally thin..I will be so happy. Get thin, stay thin, stay lovely!
<3 Toxic

short simple post.

Gonna try and keep this short, just a few things on my mind. well, kinda been upset lately...boys and junk. On the plus side my weight has stayed at 171ish for the past 3 days, :) although I did binge tonight, :( it wasn't to bad of a binge though I guess. Anyways to cheer myself up, I've been looking for new thinspo. Redhead thinspo mostly. I just dyed my hair red, and it looks great. I will post pics I promise. I have a lot of pics I plan to post on here...my hair, bike, progress pics eventually. Anyways I found some good thinspo on a few xanga blogs and was wondering do any of you have a xanga? I was considering making one...but idk how well I can keep up with two blogs on different sites. Sorry I've been gone...been quite depressed lately :( But I miss you all so much. Been reading all your blogs avidly, just not commenting much. Love you all, you really are all just wonderful. :) Stay strong!

<3Toxic