Yay! Progress.

weight-159.0. finally under 160. Lose more before Monday? duh. :) So ya, I'm in a very good mood to say the least. I ended up eating some Chinese and some cereal yesterday (Oh and an energy drink). after my post, so my cal intake was 815 for the day. Still...not bad. Pretty good if I woke up to 159 lbs.

Going to stay under 1000 cals today. Shouldn't be a problem, actually that should be easy as hell. I will update soon. Been lazy when it comes to commenting on blogs, so I'll try and get all caught up with everyone maybe tonight. :)

I need to find something to do today...it's just one of those days, where I have nothing to do at all...well I guess I can do my homework, but that is boring and I was going to do that tonight rather than during the day...maybe I'll go shopping...but I don't wanna spend all my money...hmm I don't know.

Not much else to say, Hope everyone has a great day, remember to work towards your goals cause I know you all can achieve them. :)
<3 Toxic

I'm going hungry.

School, break time.

I feel bad because I don't even try to hide my eating habits anymore. I know I should, but...
1.I'm not sick/mental/ect.
2.I want to be this way
3.It's my body, my health, and my life
4.I need this...
5.I'm over 18 so they can't institutionalize me, unless it gets to a point where i'm dying. Which i'm not. I'm still too fat for that. Also I think they have to prove me insane first. hahahaha :)

I'm so happy I have a running buddy now. :) My friend Ryan and me went running and ran 2.5 miles, we are going to try and go every other day. He's in track and wants to prepare for track season in the spring. We are trying to get where we can run the whole park (1.5 miles) without stopping. I'm getting better, and really truly love running. I get such a rush from it. I love how he's not lazy like the rest of my friends.

Oh my weight. As of this morning 161.2. FUCK! I need to get lower asap. I will, promise.

Today's intake:
85cal   Toast (40 cal bread, 30 cal non fat cream cheese, 15 cal blue berries)
20cal   Monster (blue one)

Total:105 :D

I won't eat til my 2nd break. I'm actually gonna head home for it. I need to get money from my mom and print my speech homework. Get a salad or small sandwich then. idk yet. Keeping today's intake under 500. It's gonna be a piece of....lettuce. :)

Comments:
@lulu-Thank you! I try to find thinspo that is good/different. I'm glad you like it. Yumachi is my thinspo and style icon. I wanna look like her when I'm thin. I even have her hair style :) Though my hair is red. I want to be small like her so when I go to Japan next I can buy cute gal style clothes at shibuya 109.

Well, nothing else to say. I need to do some math homework. It's due Friday and I didn't finish my last assignment so this one I have to get 100%. np. :) Will update tonight before work.
<3 Toxic

From the top.

Well my fast Friday went very very well. :) I wrote down every hour for 24 hours on a piece of notebook paper and when an hour past I'd put a check mark next to it. :) I went a little over 24 hours. I feel so good about it. Ate spaghetti at 3:30 today and haven't eaten since. I'm so confident and proud that I'm starting a fast again now. :) I will put the times in this post and update for each hour I go without food.

5pm :)
6pm :)
7pm :)
8pm :)
9pm
10pm
11pm
12am
1am
2am
3am
4am
5am
6am
7am
8am
9am
10am
11am
12pm
1pm
2pm
3pm
4pm

Comments-
@lottie-It is strange how after a while the emptiness can feel so good. It's almost like a high :) The meeting went well, but I didn't have a hoodie and the room was so cold. Also it was a lot of information I already knew about. There were some freshman there and they were explaining stuff about the school to them that me and the other sophomores already know about...but it went well :)

Wish me luck! I'm cleaning my car now, then my room, then laundry. Chad toke my bike to the shop and got my chain fixed, so I might even go on a bike ride today. Who knows. :) I love having control of my hunger.
<3 Toxic

Coffee. And nothing else at all.

I'm in a euphoric state of happiness. Right now going on a 17 hour fast. Gonna shoot for 24 hrs+ no excuses. OMG this guy I go to school with who I haven't seen yet this semester just was talking to me and he said I lost a lot of weight since he last saw me and that I look great. I love when people notice, cause I sure as hell don't.

Sipping coffee now, got a meeting at 1 til 3. So fasting is too damn easy today. :) Fell asleep at Chad's around 4am. We were watching Thor and it hit me, I hadn't ate in 8 hours and I started counting on my fingers to make sure. He looked questioningly at me smiling. "Oh just thinking" :D Big smile when I  realized how good I was doing. Threw my arms around his neck and kissed him. That's when I made my resolution to fast for at least 24 hours. (Oh and he would not stop calling me beautiful last night.) I was a sweet, good girl and just smiled, all the while thinking "DELUSIONAL!" hahaha. He woke me up at 7 so I'd make it to class and even had a big pot of black coffee made for me. :) so wonderful....

I am just so in love with my stomach right now, soooo empty it was growling in class but no one noticed...I think. :) Well, time for my scholarship meeting. I'll be on tonight to comment on all your blogs. :)
<3 much, Toxic

Sigh.

Sitting at school, big sweater that I'm so happy to finally wear, bought it when back to school shopping but it's been too warm. So chilly out, but still so nice. A girl just sat down in front of me with her other skinny friend. Sigh. She's so skinny, even skinnier than her pretty friend who was already there. She's wearing a big hoodie and is absolutely drowning in it, on her computer like me, sipping her diet coke like I would be if I didn't just drink a sugar free 15 cal Red Bull on the drive back up to campus. I sit here, admiring her thin face and long thin hands wondering to myself....Is she like me?

I wonder...

I wish I didn't have anymore classes today...but I do, until 6:45. Then I work at 8 so I have a one hour break between then. During which I'm going to go for a run and then quick shower so I'm not all sweaty at work. Not a long run, just a mile. I remembered that I have to do arm exercises tonight. Last night I worked out and concentrated on my core and legs. I'm gonna get that thigh gap damn it! Tonight, arms, core, and some leg. Any good arm workouts you girls want to recommend?

I know! I'll post some thinspo. but what kind....hmmm I know! Yumachi. She's my favorite Japanese model, and she's soooooo thin.

I wish it was time for class already...I love food and nutrition...It's my next class. I'm so anxious right now I can't sit still. Well, I never can, but that's not the point. :) Chad is at his interview now and I'm waiting to hear how it went. Also I really gotta pee. Like bad. So I'm going to wrap this up. Hope there aren't any typos on here...don't have time to check, gotta pee!

<3 Toxic 

Blah.

Didn't know what to title this post. :) This morning I was 161.8 going back down! :) I did just eat however and feel kinda shitty cause I had my sandwich with mustard and a mountain of lettuce that filled me up...but for some reason I thought eh, I want something sweet and ate a bunch of puppy chow. Seriously we have so much, if someone doesn't eat the rest I'm throwing it away. I can't have it in the house anymore...Well... I'll have a salad before I work at 8 and call it a day. No other food whatsoever.

My last post was really long so to any of you who read it, thank you.

I don't have much else to say except it's so nice out again I think I'll run before my next class.  Waiting for Chad to text me back. He has an interview today at the place where I work...I'm not really sure how I feel about working with my boyfriend...though I usually work overnights so it's unlikely we will ever see each other at work. I'm so excited though, with us both working we can afford a place of our own :) He wants me to live with him so bad...and I want out of my house too. I've been looking online at apartments all day.

Comments:
@Veronica-Thanks for reading my super long post. :) It's so nice to hear you have a wonderful supportive boyfriend too. Hope all is well.

Well...that's all I really have to say for now. I'm not giving up on getting under 160 before Monday. It's time for me to go work my butt off. Trying to get to 158 by Monday actually, but we'll see.Till next time...
<3 Toxic

Weakness. (Also I told Chad.)

Damn it, damn it damn it!!!! Loss of control. Like really badly. I ate sooo much this weekend. On the plus side didn't gain from last Monday. I'm at 163.2 now, so I HAVE to lose at least 3.3 lbs by next week. I'm shooting for 4 cause:
1.I know I can do this.
2.I need to regain control of this if I'm ever going to reach my goals.
3.I have to be thin!!!!!!!!!
4.I wanna be a size 8 so I can buy new jeans. I refuse to buy another size 10.
5.I WANNA BE THIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So ya, as much as I ate, I should consider myself lucky I didn't gain. Today was a great day. biked off 316.2 cals, ate good food like a salad, tuna, and a sandwich that i spread through out the day. I shouldn't have ate so much, however at least it wasn't like pizza, chips, cookies, ect. I did have a little bit of puppy chow just now, but felt so guilty that before I could binge on it. I looked into the bowl said to myself (in my head) that there was only one way to have control and I stopped eating right there. No more food tonight. OH! and I haven't had pop in a while. I've started drinking diet pop, but I'm quitting carbonated bevs. Yep, done. I'm trying to see a bright side/bright future but it's hard when I barely even lost.
Forgot today's Labor Day and I didn't have school, so I have to wait and get my ID Wednesday when I'm on break between my classes. Then gym! :) I'm so exicted!
Oh, and still no pic of my hair...next post for sure. Promise.

Comments:
@lulu-Thank you! Yeah, I can't believe that now someone knows besides people who read this blog. His reaction was everything I had hoped for but never expected.
@Sophie-Thank you :) I guess it is kinda dainty, but I want a road bike so I can work out harder on my bike.

@anon-You're right! I just gave myself the lee-way of losing 2 lbs a week. But I could be at 140 by Halloween. I'm gonna shoot for that. Then I could be at 125 by Thanksgiving! :)
@lulu-Ya, I'm already getting bullshit info on what is needed to live, my teacher is also fat. So I'm just going to get the scientific facts on what food is doing to my body and what has the fewest cals.
@Nicole-Yeah, you're right. I toke your advice today too. Tuna and salad. Good foods. Also low cal foods!:)
@Caca-I love that I have someone who is near my weight that I can use to motivate myself. I will follow your blog for sure! Let's reach our goals together!
@Sophie-Thank you for your support, and I will have better weigh ins soon!
@Lindsay-You really don't know how much I love to hear that. I'm so happy I can inspire people sometimes.
@lottie-the class is fun, and thank you so much for the ideas. I have a thinspo tab now. :)


So as I said I told Chad. I told him about my barely eating and weight obsessions. That I might have an eating disorder. It went (almost) exactly like this:

We were lying on his bed, he knew something was wrong with me I told him: "I want to tell you, but I don't want you to worry about me and tell other people." He looked deep in my eyes "Babe.. I love you. I wouldn't ever do anything you didn't want me to, even if I was worried, I wouldn't tell anyone if you didn't want me to." "But what if what I'm doing could be potentially harmful to myself?" "I'd help you myself. Whatever it is, we'll get through it together." I rolled over. "I can't tell you, I just can't. You don't understand, no one knows about this. The thing is, even though I know it's wrong, I like the way I am, I'm happy and content with it. It's what helps me live with myself...but at the same time I want to tell you so bad. I hate keeping this secret. I love you so much I just..." "It's ok, you'll tell me when you're ready, I love you" I rolled over and kissed him. "I love you too" Then I rolled back away from him and it felt so right...it just came out. "I don't,always...eat..." silence. He turned me over. "Babe..." Eyes wide he threw his arms around me. Then I explained it to him. The constant fear, weighing myself nonstop, the hate I feel towards myself, the counting, the exercise, the lying about eating when I have not. "and that's why I have those dizzy spells, when I grab my phone and don't let you see what I'm sending, I'm actually calculating my calories...""why that doughnut made you sick the other day?" "Yeah, that is probably why, I mean that's all I ate...I didn't even want it either, I just wanted to be a little normal for you. And you are helping, since I've been with you I've been more 'normal' though I don't like being normal, I want to be better, be perfect." "Babe I love you for your imperfections..." "You don't even believe me I bet. I don't know why I told you..." "I do believe you babe, you wouldn't lie about something like this, I know you wouldn't." "But I'm not even thin, I'm fat!" "You're not fat, your not a stick either and that what I love about you babe." "So you believe me?" "Yes, actually I've been a little suspicious...from the first time I've seen you, then the day I asked you out and you were wearing those shorts at the beach...you had gotten so much smaller..." "You won't tell anyone?" "No, I love you and promise, even if you get to 100 lbs, I won't tell. I'll help you babe." "I love you soo much. You don't know how happy you've made me. I love you more than anything in the whole world Chad."

...and that's it. I just told him. He has been so good to me too since then, he doesn't bother me to eat and when I get upset like the other night, he tells me we can go run, bike, whatever I want. He promises it will get better, and...I believe him. I will get thin, I have to, I want to.

Stay strong. I'm going to work out and clean my room before I work at midnight. Also check my thinspo and starts tabs, I updated.
<3Toxic

Stats.

I know I said I would't post until Monday, but I updated my stats tab. Check it out if you want. I put even current pics up that I toke last night. (Ya that's me, the fat chick...well for now, that's all gonna change. :)

I will post on your comments in my next post too. Until Monday...
<3Toxic

Busy.

With school, work, my boyfriend, friends, and exercising, I've been too busy to post. So this will be a short one, basically just updates.

1.I bought a speed-o-meter for my bike that also counts cals burned :)
2.My weight is going down and I plan to be in the 150s again on Monday (more determined than ever.)
3.I'm having so much fun at school, but need to get a new student ID Monday so I can use the gym.
4.Think the girl who sits next to me in food and nutrition has an ED, whether she does or not, I plan to become friends with her, she seems really nice. :)
5.Dyed my hair again (same color) It looks great and I will have a pic in my next post.
6.This is the biggest update of all....I told Chad about my eating problems. Don't worry it actually went quite well, he was very understanding and he promises to never to tell a single soul. He supports me and everything. Oh and I love him. :D

Ya, that's it for now. And as promised, finally gonna post a pic of my bike. (Click for higher resolution.) :)

When I post next, It probably won't be until Monday, but on the plus side, my weight will be in the 150s when I post next. :) Over all good day today, and though I'm not sure of the number of cals, my intake today was really good. Stay strong, love you all!!!!!!!!
<3Toxic

(UGH!!!!! My fucking sister stole my sports bra again!!!) I fucking hate her... >:(