Damn it, damn it damn it!!!! Loss of control. Like really badly. I ate sooo much this weekend. On the plus side didn't gain from last Monday. I'm at 163.2 now, so I HAVE to lose at least 3.3 lbs by next week. I'm shooting for 4 cause:
1.I know I can do this.
2.I need to regain control of this if I'm ever going to reach my goals.
3.I have to be thin!!!!!!!!!
4.I wanna be a size 8 so I can buy new jeans. I refuse to buy another size 10.
5.I WANNA BE THIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So ya, as much as I ate, I should consider myself lucky I didn't gain. Today was a great day. biked off 316.2 cals, ate good food like a salad, tuna, and a sandwich that i spread through out the day. I shouldn't have ate so much, however at least it wasn't like pizza, chips, cookies, ect. I did have a little bit of puppy chow just now, but felt so guilty that before I could binge on it. I looked into the bowl said to myself (in my head) that there was only one way to have control and I stopped eating right there. No more food tonight. OH! and I haven't had pop in a while. I've started drinking diet pop, but I'm quitting carbonated bevs. Yep, done. I'm trying to see a bright side/bright future but it's hard when I barely even lost.
Forgot today's Labor Day and I didn't have school, so I have to wait and get my ID Wednesday when I'm on break between my classes. Then gym! :) I'm so exicted!
Oh, and still no pic of my hair...next post for sure. Promise.
Comments:
@lulu-Thank you! Yeah, I can't believe that now someone knows besides people who read this blog. His reaction was everything I had hoped for but never expected.
@Sophie-Thank you :) I guess it is kinda dainty, but I want a road bike so I can work out harder on my bike.
@anon-You're right! I just gave myself the lee-way of losing 2 lbs a week. But I could be at 140 by Halloween. I'm gonna shoot for that. Then I could be at 125 by Thanksgiving! :)
@lulu-Ya, I'm already getting bullshit info on what is needed to live, my teacher is also fat. So I'm just going to get the scientific facts on what food is doing to my body and what has the fewest cals.
@Nicole-Yeah, you're right. I toke your advice today too. Tuna and salad. Good foods. Also low cal foods!:)
@Caca-I love that I have someone who is near my weight that I can use to motivate myself. I will follow your blog for sure! Let's reach our goals together!
@Sophie-Thank you for your support, and I will have better weigh ins soon!
@Lindsay-You really don't know how much I love to hear that. I'm so happy I can inspire people sometimes.
@lottie-the class is fun, and thank you so much for the ideas. I have a thinspo tab now. :)
So as I said I told Chad. I told him about my barely eating and weight obsessions. That I might have an eating disorder. It went (almost) exactly like this:
We were lying on his bed, he knew something was wrong with me I told him: "I want to tell you, but I don't want you to worry about me and tell other people." He looked deep in my eyes "Babe.. I love you. I wouldn't ever do anything you didn't want me to, even if I was worried, I wouldn't tell anyone if you didn't want me to." "But what if what I'm doing could be potentially harmful to myself?" "I'd help you myself. Whatever it is, we'll get through it together." I rolled over. "I can't tell you, I just can't. You don't understand, no one knows about this. The thing is, even though I know it's wrong, I like the way I am, I'm happy and content with it. It's what helps me live with myself...but at the same time I want to tell you so bad. I hate keeping this secret. I love you so much I just..." "It's ok, you'll tell me when you're ready, I love you" I rolled over and kissed him. "I love you too" Then I rolled back away from him and it felt so right...it just came out. "I don't,always...eat..." silence. He turned me over. "Babe..." Eyes wide he threw his arms around me. Then I explained it to him. The constant fear, weighing myself nonstop, the hate I feel towards myself, the counting, the exercise, the lying about eating when I have not. "and that's why I have those dizzy spells, when I grab my phone and don't let you see what I'm sending, I'm actually calculating my calories...""why that doughnut made you sick the other day?" "Yeah, that is probably why, I mean that's all I ate...I didn't even want it either, I just wanted to be a little normal for you. And you are helping, since I've been with you I've been more 'normal' though I don't like being normal, I want to be better, be perfect." "Babe I love you for your imperfections..." "You don't even believe me I bet. I don't know why I told you..." "I do believe you babe, you wouldn't lie about something like this, I know you wouldn't." "But I'm not even thin, I'm fat!" "You're not fat, your not a stick either and that what I love about you babe." "So you believe me?" "Yes, actually I've been a little suspicious...from the first time I've seen you, then the day I asked you out and you were wearing those shorts at the beach...you had gotten so much smaller..." "You won't tell anyone?" "No, I love you and promise, even if you get to 100 lbs, I won't tell. I'll help you babe." "I love you soo much. You don't know how happy you've made me. I love you more than anything in the whole world Chad."
...and that's it. I just told him. He has been so good to me too since then, he doesn't bother me to eat and when I get upset like the other night, he tells me we can go run, bike, whatever I want. He promises it will get better, and...I believe him. I will get thin, I have to, I want to.
Stay strong. I'm going to work out and clean my room before I work at midnight. Also check my thinspo and starts tabs, I updated.
<3Toxic
That's so sweet. He sounds EXACTLY like my boyfriend. It's so cute. I talk to my boyfriend openly about it. And, last night I asked him what exactly he thinks about it. And, he told me "I'll help you. I just want you to be happy." :)
ReplyDeleteGood luck to you! Stay strong.
xx