Weight = No Change.

So I weighed myself this morning after taking Chad to work, 159.2 still. ugh! oh well tomorrow it will be lower. I figure if I get to 140 by Thanksgiving I will be happy.

Got a (new) used jeep liberty :) it's a 2011. I'm so happy about it, love how it drives.

Today we have a lunch at work, I'm gonna get something low cal and healthy. Grilled chicken breast and veggs? I think so. I have some pineapple in the fridge here and like tons of bottled water. So I will eat, a bit. I need to I know... I guess

I can't wait to get off work today :) Gonna check out the free gym in my park. yay! I need to exercise!

Well I gtg get workin, no internet at the house yet...
<3 Toxic

159.2

ONE HUNDRED FIFTY NINE fucking lbs!!! I'm freaking out right now, like seriously. I don't know what to do anymore, think I'm gonna really fall back into old habits, like hard. I CAN NOT get over 160, I will lose it. I'll go crazy. Time to get it back together.

Promise I'll post again soon. But with not having internet right now it's hard. Next post I'll be under 155.

Can't wait for 115.

<3 Toxic

Changes.

Another day at work. So far today I've had...
a packet of better oats dark chocolate oatmeal 160
a small bowl of my moms homemade chili ???
7 crackers 98 cals
and a mini chocolate bar 70 cals i think

So I've had over 328 cals and it's not even noon yet. omg what the hell is my problem?! Ok ok, control. No more food till dinner then I'll have an apple so Chad doesn't freak out on me. I wanna go take my dog to the park after work. I can run with him there :) It's a no leash dog park which I know he'll love. I wanna do some push-ups and free weights too cuz my arms suck, so much.

Last night was no fun. :( I didn't get home from work until 8pm. When we got home I was upset cause I was tired and the day was over. So I started making mac and cheese. Every little thing Chad said or did was making me even more angry so by the time I was done cooking and filled half a bowl with it and sat down I didn't want to talk or anything. Chad ate the rest of the pot. I ate about half of my half bowl.Well, he kept asking me whats wrong and "nothing" wasn't a good enough answer and he kept proding and so we got on the subject of food. "You know you have to eat, you need to to live." I say nothing "You need to eat you can't just not eat, when you're hungry your body wants  food." Then he says "You can't control when you're hungry." That was the last straw I glared at him set my food on the floor for the dog and went to bed. So ya, no fun.

Ew. I just looked across the hall at the other dr.'s office and see a girl I went to school with since 4th grade. I hated that bitch she was always so mean to me. Still thin and perfect as ever... sigh. lucky. This drug rep. just brought a super good looking strusel to work. I want some but I can't have it. I won't.

I need to weigh myself... I'm just scared I've gained. :( bet I have. Wll...I'll do good today and weigh tomorrow morning after Chad goes to work. Should be easy to get out of dinner tonight, going to my moms house to watch tv. Sons of Anarchy is on and I don't have cable yet.

<3 love you all. I'll post again soon.
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Back after a long while.

First off I MISSED EVERYONE!!! I promise to catch up on all your blogs.

Let me fill you all in real quick. So I'm 21 years old now and had one hell of a birthday in July :) I'm still with Chad and couldn't be happier. I bought my own place! Me and Chad live together with his cat and my dog. We're still getting settled, but so far I'm happy. I'm not in school at the moment because they kicked me out for dropping so many classes and doing really bad. It's good though, I haven't purged at all in months, and I think my college was a big trigger for purging. I do binge occasionally though still... I'm still restricting and fasting.

My weight got as low as 148.6 and I got up to 165 but now I'm down to 155.8. I need to get back under my LW and will soon. The trailer park I live in has a gym that I can use for free! So I need to go.

I don't really know why but since I've been living on my own with Chad I've been so tempted to restrict, binge, and other harmful activities. I told Chad I'm trying to be healthy and change and blah blah blah and my food issues are in the past. (as if) Not gonna lie for a while (on and off) I was honestly trying to get better and accept myself and eat normal but fuck I can't do that. I just wanna be thin and I don't care what it takes I'm gonna do this! I need to. It's the only thing that makes me feel good about myself. Also it's my life, NOT my fiance, mom, friends, doctors, or anyone else's! ugh!

Anyways...my mom now knows about my past issues with food and how I used to binge/purge and starve. She also knows that's why I got sick, got stomach ulcers, and understands that all those times I magically "got sick" after eating I was purging. How the time I got mad shoved a whole half of a cheesecake in my mouth then ran out of the house I went to purge, and when she saw me go to the bathroom with a diet Pepsi I was going to purge. So I have to watch out for both my fiance who I live with, and my mom who is also my boss at work. I'm with one or both of these people for like 18-20 hours of my day. So ya, secrecy is key. Not saying I really enjoy or want to do these things (I hate purging) but damn it I will control my life.

<3 and miss you all. Feel free to comment and say hi. :)
Toxic

Restricted foods.

I haven't drank pop in like 4 or 5 months. It's great, though I haven't lost weight because of it. grrrr. Anyways I don't plan to drink pop, I'm done. I try to stick to 0 cal drinks too which limits me to tea, water and coffee. But I found these super awesome carbonated waters at Wal-mart. for 69 cents. :) They have like 15 flavors too. I'm going to keep restricting foods that are bad (haha all food is bad) kidding don't listen to me. But ya, No more Nutella cause that is 1. high cal and 2. a binge food. Evil! I won't eat Oreos either for the same reasons. So no more of that crap.

I got a new job! So I have two now. I got a job at my moms doctor's office as a secretary. It's really nice and I enjoy it a lot. Just sucks they get food at the office a lot. Like today we ordered Chili's. Which broke a fast I had going. (14 hours) I wanted to go at least 24 hours....well that just means I had to start again. I had cereal when I got home, so I'm not really sure how long it's been since I ate...I think I ate at 5:30 so I'll say fast started at 6 which means it's only been 3 hours since I ate. No wonder I feel gross... :( I'm not eating anymore tonight, and no breakfast tomorrow. Skipping meals again!

I wanna go get something to drink but don't want to spend money. I need to save every penny so I can go on a trip during the summer. Me and a friend are going to Japan! :D I can't wait! I want to get down under 140 for the trip so I can easily fit in some cute clothes from Japanese shops like Liz Lisa or Ceceil McBee. So ya, I need to lose weight and save money.

Comments-
@Lottie- Thank you! You're always so nice and lovely. :) I bought the bikini. I got a medium which is a little small for me. It will fit when I reach 140 though. That's for sure.

@mylittlebone-Thanks for following me, I like your blog :)

@Megan- I just use my fingers which sucks cause I don't have much of a gag reflex and I have to force it which can really hurt. (I've scratched myself before many times) I hate doing it, and don't recommend it at all. I thought you could still get ipecac but you just had to go to the pharmacy counter and ask for it?

@FightToBeThin- Ugh, tell me about it. Sometimes I feel like I might just break right in front of everyone...I hate it, being so broken on the inside and on the outside no one even sees. The other day my friend said I'm fun to be around cause I'm always happy. If they only knew...

@Cleona- Ya, it sucks cause I'm the older sister and should set a good example. I pray to god that I never trigger or have triggered her. She seems to be somewhat normal, but I do notice she binges daily... she has put on weight too, and I hope she doesn't let it depress her. I know what you mean, It's hard knowing what they are going through, but idk how I could help.

Thinspo time, I kinda have a boney/emaciated/super thin theme going on.

I think I'm gonna finish reading Wintergirls for the second time, then I'm gonna read Unbearable Lightness. I already read Wasted, but are there any other good triggering books about eating disorders or anorexia? Have a lovely day. Thank you all for still following me, I know I don't post as often as I say I will.

<3 Toxic

Purge

Its all I can think about right now, I wanna throw up soooo badly. Sucks cause I didn't even binge. Just ate a small slice of cheese cake (like REALLY small) and a small bowl of chili. Its like mia is back to haunt me, smiling and tapping my shoulder all the while I have to sit here and smile and not throw up and pretend to be fine and happy cause I'm at Chad's and he thinks I'm doing soooo much better. Well I am, and then I'm not. I can't let him know its bugging me. Ugh. Run tonight and 100+ crunches. (And like a shit ton of other stuff i'll later decide to do.) then 10 miles minimum on my bike tomorrow morning. No more food and no breakfast. Ya, not the best way, but its what I gotta do. :/

Hope everyone's day is going good. I will comment on comments and add thinspo to my next post. (On my phone now)
<3 Toxic

At mommy's work.

<p>Class got out early today. Which is nice. I'm sitting in my moms work, a doctors office, just drank my water and having another cause I just toke a pill slim quick. My mom bought them to lose weight and lets me try em. She's been super nice to me. :/ weird but nice. </p>
<p>She's seriously obsessed with losing weight... (It runs in the family) speaking of running and family, I went running with my sister (my sister who binges all the time) she told me how her boyfriend touched her stomach the other day and she got upset cause he was joking with her and she told him "you know I used to have an eating disorder." I said to her "you were trying to see how he'd react?" Then she went on and told me she seriously wouldn't eat back in middle school (I know for a fact she doesn't like eating infront of people to this day) but I never put 2 and 2 together, I recalled then how thin she used to be. Then it hit me omg she's not kidding, how could I not notice?!</p>
<p>I ran ahead of her, I run faster and have a longer stride. I started to cry, knowing my own food problems and worrying if I might have triggered her ever and thinking on how we both have gone an I still am going through this. I love my sister and I never want her to feel like she isn't allowed to eat ever again.

Well, I ate today and I'm pissed. Not eating anymore tonight.

1 yogurt
Fries
3/4 cheeseburger

FAT ASS! I'm down to 150.6 again. Yay! I breed to be at 148 or lower by Wednesday.

Phone is gonna die so ill end this.
<3 toxic

No more.

No more food for the rest of the night. Seriously it's been like a day long binge since 2:30 when I ate the granola bar for breakfast. Ugh wtf why?!?!

I did super good yesterday though :) I did go out to Texas Corral with Chad for dinner though...but other than that I did very very good. I'm not going to dwell on today's mistakes. No no no, not anymore. I WILL NOT eat for the rest of the night. (It's almost 10pm, soooo that's easy :)

I went tanning for the first time in a long time today, it was nice. Tanning motivates me to lose more. I wanna be tan and thin and super hot, so ya, gonna do this. :) I found my bikini for the summer too! (If I can bring myself to wear it)

So cute right?!?! :D I can't wait to buy it! I just hope they don't run out of stock cause the pink one they had is gone. It's from Abercrombie and Fitch. 

I can't wait for Chad to get off work, I hope he comes over. I might read til he does. I got Wintergirls, and omfg I love this book. I was reading at work today on break and am at the part where Lia goes to Cassie's wake. I can't put it down. Awesome book. 

Well, I hope everyone did better than I did today...tomorrow will be better for all of us. :) We will have control and reach our goals!

<3 Toxic 

Comments-

@lottie- Thank you, I did enjoy the dinner last night. I know when I get control of my eating I change my attitude and become a real go-getter, my determination and will power for everything increases and I try so much harder.

@Thin Thoughts- I can text to Canada :) If you want to be texting buddies e-mail me at toxicwastedgal@hotmail.com

Thinspo- 

Slip until I fall.

I was doing so good, (but bad I now realize), I honestly wasn't counting calories (sometimes), ate without measuring my food (usually), and feeling kinda good (sometimes). Every now and then I'd remember why I am/was doing this, but I'd still not care so much cause I was happy and busy with school and in love with my fiance. So I'd eat and be "healthy." Something snapped. I started getting really depressed and would cry at the drop of a hat. Yesterday at work I burst into tears on my break. I've been making Chad feel like shit because I'm so hopeless. I keep asking him what I'm supposed to do and telling him about how I should be at a big campus, working towards a career and degree I really want not at home, with a car and being successful and happy. But I'm not and I have nothing to show for the past 2 years, I've set myself back. Stuck at home, lost my scholarships and am about to fail out of school, no car, and my weight is stuck at like 155. Fuck!

That's when it snapped. I can see it all now, I've lost control and this really scares me. I didn't eat but one 80 cal fruit pop last night, I didn't want to go to Chad's for dinner with him cause 1. I was dead tired and wanted to sleep, but 2. and this is the main reason, I didn't want to be near food. So I stayed home and woke up at 8pm to him back at my house lying next to me. I had a fruit pop. That was my dinner. This morning I had a piece of whole grain wheat toast (70 cals) with blueberry jam (40 cals) so I'm still at 115 for the day. yay me! :) I'm hungry and it feels so good. When I am like this I know I have control. I'm gonna keep starving now. 

I was debating on eating, but I think It will just end in me hating myself or worse losing control and binging. Also Chad wants to celebrate or 8 months. He was talking about cake. :( So I won't eat now so that later I can pretend to be normal for him. He doesn't need my losingcontrollifefallingapart stress. 

I hope I can find happiness, I at a loss right now. The only thing that will make me happy right now is the numbers shrinking. I wanna be tiny.

Water or 0 cal tea. That is what I'll have. Then it's class from 4-7:30. Should be easy to keep control. 

<3 Toxic

I want to add some thinspo to this. 

Love Cassie :)

Sorry If I've posted any of these before. I hope everyone has a good day. I will try to. :)

Texting buddies? :)

I would love to have a texting buddy. Someone to keep me on track and lose weight with, motivate each other, help each other avoid temptation, and just talk with. Anyone interested? I have free texting. You must live in the U.S. though. If you wanna be text buddies just e-mail me. toxicwastedgal@hotmail.com :)
<3 Toxic

My life, the train wreck

My mom has to walk home from work because of me, my sister has to clean and watch the house because of me, my brother can't enjoy the day because of me, and my fiance left angry because of me. I hate myself so much. Everything is falling apart and I'm lying on my bedroom floor where I just threw evething in a fit of rage crying my eyes out. I'm alone and everyone hates me and it's all my fault. At least I can be away from food. I will not eat.

I really need to post more often

Sorry for not having posted in the last...3 weeks. It's been hectic with school and all. I'm supposed to be in my English class...but I really think I'm gonna drop that one. Anyways, I'm doing good in my other classes :) though I need to do my Statistics homework before 4 p.m.

I weighed myself, was shocked as hell too. Chad stayed the night and after I woke up I got dressed and went to pee, well he got up while I was taking off all my clothes to hop on the scale, he was looking at me so I told him to look away, and he said he couldn't read the scale from my bed, but I told him again not to look and he said he wasn't, so then I said look away, and he finally threw the blanket over his head so I could stand on it. 151.6...much better than I expected. After 2 days of binging, then eating "normally" I hadn't really gained too much. I was honestly expecting to see something in the mid-upper 150s like 155 or higher. So I gave a sigh of relief "Thank god!" "It good babe?" he threw the cover off his head and I told him "No, but I hasn't really changed, I was expecting much worse."

After this we went to take my dog to the vet. He didn't want to go, and we had to carry him in, but once he saw all the other dogs he got very excited and happy. He is a golden doodle named Coby. There was even another golden doodle in the waiting room and he kept trying to go and play with it. I miss him cause he has to stay overnight at the vet. :( But I get to pick him up tomorrow at noon :)
here's a pic of him

Well, I ate some pancakes (3) with strawberry syrup and had coffee when I got home. Chad had some too, and then toke him home and drove my moms car to school. Now I'm sitting here and having not eaten since 8 this morning, I'm starting to feel empty and hungry, which I love right now. I want to start restricting more and more. I need to lost these last 36.6 pounds. ugh, it's so damn much! I have to do this! I know I can, I've done it before. I just really wish I could be like I was again, when I would eat very little and lose all the time. When I didn't binge or purge, and rode my bike and ran all the time. So from here on, I'm going to work on doing all that again. I did run yesterday, and toke my other dog for a long walk. :) today I'm going to run after school, and work out after Chad is done at work. 

I need to stop 'allowing' myself food, telling myself 'just this once' or 'this is the last time' and 'tomorrow I will make up for this' THAT'S NOT HELPING!!! 

I will add a little thinspo to this and comment on your comments.

Comments- 

@lulu- Ya, that is true, plus when I work it off, I am also toning my body so when I am thin it will look even better. :)

@Scarlett- Me too, it just sucks working it off sometimes, it can be such hard work. Though it feels great afterwards.

@thinspirationljourney- Thank you and thanks for following. :) I will try to just eat healthier, I haven't had pop reg or diet in 2 weeks! So awesome! :)

@lottie- Thank you! :) I am feeling empty now, its so nice. 

Well, I need to go to class, It starts in 10 minutes.

<3 Toxic

Some thinspo, comments, ect.

So I ate 4 or 5 cookies for dinner with whole milk :(... not even thinking, I just did it. Now my stomach hurts. I don't know if it's just psychosomatic or if the sugar and stuff is upsetting me, but it hurts and I hate myself for it. It could be worse, I keep telling myself this, but I feel so full I just want to purge. So so so so so so so bad! I really just want to purge and I can't stop thinking about going into the bathroom, turning on all the faucets and doing it. My mom isn't home, Chad's at work, and it would just be toooo easy. My dad just got here but he's clueless and my sis and bro wouldn't think twice. I wish I could just do it, but just thinking about it is making me feel guilty. Like he will just know. He will just know and keep poking and prodding til I tell him when I see him after work tonight. Actually I will see him at work...Fuck I work in 30 mins! Forgot.

Ugh, I need to work out extra hard tonight. Bike ride or run tomorrow too. Fuck this I'm so fat I hate it. I wanna weigh myself by Wednesday, but the scale scares the hell out of me right now. On the other hand what if I lost :) but what if I've gained!?!? Ugh it's terrifying. I hope I'm down. Even if I've maintained, I'd be happy at this point. (I say that now, but if I got on the scale and still was in the 150s, I'd die.)

Well I can finally comment on comments! :D
@Scarlett- Thank you so much, I can't believe it honestly. :) Most the time I think he thinks I'm lying or something for attention or something fucked up. After all I'm too fat to starve. (At least thats what I think when I talk to him about it.)
@lottie_x- Thank you! :) I really am trying, sometimes it's just way too tempting.
@Em- I know right?! Thank you!!!
@lulu- They are the best! Though I like the cutesy/pretty concept of Aerie too. :)

Thinspo time.

Ok, going to work without purging. Why do I feel so disapointed? :(

<3 Toxic

New jeans, Hollister breakdown, awesome workout.

Omfg....I'm dying. Just worked out with Chad. Went on for almost an hour. I also ran earlier after getting home from the mall, and a short bike ride at noon. Great output today. :) I toke in 1060 cals today. So I know my weight will have gone down a little.

So I went to the mall today. GOT SIZE 6 AE JEANS. :) I was hesitant to wear them, but I am wearing them right now. Chad likes my butt in em. Haha he's a weirdo. Anyways, I went to Hollister too to look at jeans and I tried on a 7. It was tight, and I could see my fat over the jeans when I looked in the mirror...my eyes all teary, then I looked up at my face and said to myself, "what made you think you could come in here and buy size 7 jeans? You're too fat for this store." I knew then and there that things need to change. Like really change. I walked out without getting anything. Still upset.got

Well, now I feel sick and nauseous like I'm gonna puke. Ugh...sucks, but at least I got a good workout. So my day got better. :) Haven't eaten since before the mall. Like 4ish. Oh wait, I had a zero Cal pickle 2 hours ago. Nevermind. Uhhh...gonna lie down. Sorry no thinspo. On my phone. Will do a legit post tomorrow. <3 Toxic

Blogger on my phone!

So I'm posting from my phone for the first time so if it is full of typos and other stuff Im sorry. I won't be adding thinspo to this post, or commenting on your comments til my next post.

Its 1:30 and I'm at Chad's house. He's eating ice cream and on the computer while I'm on here. :) its a pretty chill night. We just got back after going to the gas station and geting energy drinks and food. I got a monster absolutely zero. No cals! Then a pack of 6 cheese Ritz crackers and bag of chocolate covered pretzels. I hadn't eaten for almost 8 hours before them, and while eating, I got up to pee then came back and honestly couldn't stomach any more. Just the thought of food....yuck. I ate 2 cheese crackers and like 10ish pretzels. No more food. At least I'm no longer dizzy.

Today was good and productive :) I wrote my whole English paper, and rode my bike about 1.5 miles. Not much, but it was cold. Chad toke my computer speed-o-meter thing off my old bike and put it on my new one. I got to 18.2 mph flat ground, not even on a hill. :) made me feel like a badass.

Tomorrow is school then work. Fridays I only have 2 classes. I get done with work at 5:30, then hopefully shopping with my mom at American Eagle. The closest one is like a half-hour drive away. I'm going to get new jeans! Buying so.e size 8s and some 6s cuz my 8s are getting big and loose. (Also Chad swears my pants are way too loose and says I need to get a 6 when I go. He says he likes tight pants on my butt.) Hahahaha weird.

Well I hope all is going good for my lovely followers, phone is about to die.
<3 Toxic

School post, update, ect.

So today I weighted myself, 150.2. poop. well, better than I thought :) I was 152 a few days ago. Still I'm so far off from where I should be...oh well, I will make progress. I'm proud of myself cause I haven't purged since right around Christmas :) my mom caught me (sort of) she heard me and swears I make myself throw up now, but she hasn't said anything since.

I want to lose weight in a healthy way. Chad is helping me cope so much, and as a result I haven't even binged much. I try to eat "normally" or a little less than, but sometimes it is so tempting to go back to how I was. I hate hate hate binge/purging though, I haven't eaten all day. I enjoy fasting. Though I honestly try to make myself eat when I am truly hungry, cause I don't want to binge. Restricting leads to binging for me... :(

But I spend a lot more time with Chad cause guess what?!?!? WE'RE ENGAGED!!! I'm so happy. :) He proposed to me on the 5th of December, at the beach where he asked me out. It was freezing! I cried and everything. It was so sweet and romantic and all that.

Since he's almost always with me, it means I'm always with him when he wants to eat. He doesn't make me eat, but when we go out and I'm like "well I'm kinda hungry I think..." or my stomach growls and he asks if I've eaten yet and I haven't or say something like "I've had enough today"  He will tell me "babe, if you're hungry, you need to eat." or "It's ok to eat." or "We can get though this, you're too used to how you were thinking, change is good and when your stomach is growling and hurts it's your body telling you you need to eat babe." As much as I hate giving in and eating, it is helping. He is helping me not to binge. :) I love him. He is even working out and exercising with me so I can burn it off in a good way rather than feel I need to purge it all.

Right now, I'm sitting at school super depressed cause I'm stuck here til 7:20, my car is broke so Chad dropped me off and my mom is picking me up.....gtg class, will write more.




....I wrote that on Monday. It's Wednesday, so I will post tonight when I get home. Things are getting better and better. Ate good today. Very healthy and not to much. :) Didn't get to ride my new bike yet though :(
<3 you all, going to my next class
Toxic

p.s.
I want to comment on your comments :)
@lulu- Thank you, I've missed you too. You are so nice and I'm happy to have someone like you following my blog. :)
@Scarlett- Thank you for the support! I promise to start posting a lot more. You all keep me so focused. :)
@FightToBeThin- Thanksgiving actually went great, and I stayed at the skatepark all day. Everyone was so nice. Ya, I haven't been checking my e-mail, but I will do that more too.

p.p.s
Sorry if there are any typos, gtg to class and don't have time to look this over.

I miss you all soooo much.

Seriously though, it's been months since I've posted and I really miss Blogger and everyone on it. All of my followers, you've helped me though so much. So if you want me to start posting again, and will read it, I promise to start posting again and often. So with that, I'll leave you some thinspo.

<3 you all,
Toxic