I wanna throw up. Or...just not eat for the rest of the day.

It's not that I did bad over Thanksgiving, I did quite well and didn't binge :) controlled myself. Today is just the big thanksgiving thing with my 2 borthers, boyfriend, and all their friends who skateboard and do bmx. I went to it a little bit ago with my brothers at the skate park, and people are already there/still showing up. I talked to one of my brothers friends and my brothers. My boyfriend is still working til 3:30 then I'm taking him in my car to the park. I came home just now cause I forgot to take my BC pill. Now I'm sitting in my room, and just being depressed. I feel like no one thinks I belong there and I feel like everyone is judging me like hardcore. Idk, I just think it'd be easier/better if I dropped off the food I brought for it, got my bf, toke him then make an excuse that I don't feel good or something and leave.

I feel ugly/fat/gross/weird/like I don't belong/awkward/annoying/stupid/fat/fat/fat/like everyone doesn't like me/is talking behind my back and judging me and thinks Chad is an idiot for being with me/worthless.

Ya, but whether I stay down there or not, I have to bring the food and give Chad a ride. I just wish I could be pretty and fun and liked by everyone. I want to be good enough for everyone. I don't want to be good/great/the best/absolute most perfect. Just good enough and accepted.

My brother just text me. They are starting. I'm heading out so wish me luck....
<3 Toxic

Feeling better.

Really though, I am. :) I read a post on tumblr's thinspo page...ugh I wish I could find it again...but basicly, this girl on tumblr talks about how she is learning more and more that if you want something done and you want to better yourself only you can do it. I'm determined to find it. haha

Well, Today I had a yogurt parfait thing at school. It made me nervous cause idk how many cals are in it. Gonna guess high at 200, its small and what not. But always better to overestimate than under. I have class at 11-12 and work at 1 so I won't eat, just drink diet pepsi and then at 1 go to work and be stuck there til 6. So by then all I'll have eaten was the parfait! :) Today is going to be a good intake day!

I plan to run after work. So that will drop my net down. If I do some dance and exercise too, I will be able to burn off the 200 cals and then some! So negative day! (unless of course I have some kind of dinner.) If I do that it will only be like 210 cal chicken nuggets or something. Maybe a salad!!! yum! :)

I feel so positive today. I can do this!!!!

Found it! http://raisinbranbran.tumblr.com/post/12951716278/ive-recently-become-a-strong-believer-in-the-fact this post. idk, I just found it to be so inspiring. Espically since I've been beating myself up for eating so much lately and not losing.

Comments-
@FightToBeThin-Oh...dilute got it. :) That sounds like a good idea. Thanks for the kind words too. :) I'm just going to load up on veggies and the like. Have a tiny tiny piece of turkey and NO bread or potatos. I'm avoiding them like the plague. Who knows? this could be a good time to practice hiding food, and making it look like I've eaten more than I really have :)
@Thin Thoughts- Yes. We. Will!!!!! That pickles in mustard and ketchup sounds amazing! I eat carrots with yellow mustard. 0 cals!!! :) Also I don't like sweet pickles...they taste funny. :p I'm excited to fast, I haven't fasted for a full 24 hours in a while...I will fast with you Monday and Tuesday. Do you live in the US? If so do you want to be text buddies? We could really keep each other on track this way. :) If you do send me an email @ toxicwastedgal@hotmail.com

Well...I'm going to go for a walk around campus before class. I'm so excited to lose more weight! I will soon be in the 140s, then I will reach my first goal weight of 140 lbs.

I would add some thinspo to this post, but I really need to go walk or something. I'll post some thinspo tonight,  and update everyone on my intake.
<3 Toxic

Thoughts...

I want to be thin, so I'm not eating. Not today. Maybe I will have something like salad without dressing or carrots with mustard (it's actually really good) tomorrow. But nothing til then. Just diet soda and tea to get me through the day. I hate being fat.

Thanksgiving is next week. I'm absolutely terrified. Is anyone else? I'm going to meet Chad's extended family at their big Thanksgiving dinner...I just know they are going to think I'm fat and he could do so much better...

I hate that the scale read 154 just now...I hate that I probably won't reach 145 by the 22nd. If I could just get in the 140's (like 149 or lower...) by then, I'd feel so much better. I seriously feel so fat. That's all I can think about. I don't remember feeling this huge at 190. So wtf?! I'm thinner than I was in February, yet I feel twice as big... fuck my body. It's gross, huge, fat, and disgusting. I wanna be thin and tiny and small and cute and pretty and beautiful...someday I pray to god. Please... stupid fat gross body...get smaller. Now...

Some Thinspo...

Comments:

@Em- She really is so confident in herself...I wish I could be too. Like I said she even has her bellybutton pierced. It's crazy, cause I would never do that at her size. I envy her confidence.

@Thin Thoughts- Now that's some progress! Congrats! You are doing so great!!!! Though you plan sounds quite hard, it also sounds worth it. I need to do something stricter like you are doing. I will definitely check out your blog more. You really do have so much control! :)

@kes- Thank you! I'm amazed she cheered right back up after that happened. I agree, I would've wanted to leave right then.

@JaneApril- I hope I can keep up with the loss, I HAVE to. Yeah, Abercrombie's sizing is tiny. Still...I wanna go in there one day and ask someone working "do you have this in a size small?" or "I need these jeans in a 0, the 2 is lose." ahh....that will be the day. :)

@FightToBeThin-add dilute? sorry, I don't know what you mean by that...but wow, your liquid fast sounds genius. You get the energy you need to still work out and everything. That's great! :) Omfg! I LOVE peppermint tea! I didn't buy the dress (yet.) They only had a size 8, 10, and 14 in stock. I tired the 8 on and it fit. A 6 I think would still be too tight, but I will work my ass off and buy it in a 6! 

Thanks everyone for the support. I officially have 50 followers now! I can't believe it. Well, after typing that I'm in a much better mood. I think I'll make some peppermint tea and do some homework now. Going to hopefully go for a run later too. If I stay busy (which won't be hard) I can stay away from food all day!
<3 Toxic

Scales.

So I gotta say, I haven't weighed myself since Thursday, and I went shopping with a good friend of mine who I've known since we were little kids. She's not a tiny girl either...but she's really sweet and is happy with her size. She's actually the reason Chad asked me out, she knows Chad cause her brother and him have been friends, and when she found out I liked him she told him and told him to ask me out. So we are all good friends. Anyways, we went to American Eagle yesterday and I tried on that dress in an 8. It fit good, BUT I want a 6! Well, I felt bad cause she can't really wear AE's clothes but she was really nice and came in with me and waited while I tried the dress on. While I was changing I guess a guy working there gave her shitty look. She said he looked at her like 'you're so fucking fat why are you in here' She didn't really let it bother her though. I told her I'm sorry and that was really shitty of him. If I got a look like that, I'd want to go home right then and cry. She didn't for sure. I never want to feel like I'm too big to shop at the stores (American Eagle, Hollister, Abercrombie, ect.) with cute skinny clothes. Ever. I love shopping. It motivates me to get smaller! :)

Before we left I had some lasagna for lunch. Well while we were there we went to the food court and got Japanese and Italian food. I got shrimp tempura with white rice and a bread stick. Ate 3 and a half shrimp, like 10 bites of rice, and I tore the bread stick in half and ate the half that was a little smaller. Latter before we left, we passed a Mrs. Field's cookie shop and she wanted cookies. I said I don't really but if you do get one. Well, we walked over and it smelled so good. I got a cookie with M&M's on it. Ate the whole damn thing. UGH! control damn it! I'll never have it if I keep doing this....

So because of all that I wasn't going to weigh myself, too afraid I had gained from my 153.0 Thursday. but curiosity killed the cat. I got on the scale....(drum roll please).......151.0! yes!!!! Which means I can totally get to 145 by the 22nd.

We also looked at bellybutton rings in a few shops. (She has her's pierced) I told her I'm going to get mine done around Christmas. Since I should weigh 135 by then, but I didn't tell her that's why I'm waiting. Just hope I don't feel to fat for it....we'll see. If not, I'll wait til I lose more.

OH! comments-
@Thin Thoughts-Thanks for following! It makes me so happy that I can even motivate anyone, seriously, I love to hear that!
@FightToBeThin-I haven't been fasting, but restricting. I'd love to join you on a liquid fast sometime though. I'm not sure what is really allowed on one though. Is it all 0 cal drinks, or can you have soups and smoothies? I know different people also fast differently. So I'm curious, what do you allow yourself on a liquid fast?

Thanks so much everyone, you are all a great help in making me feel better about myself and realizing I can do what I want if I put forth the effort. YOU CAN TOO!!! I know it.
love so much! <3 Toxic

Dress!

So I gave up on  the ABC, ya I know, I'm weak and have no control... :( I haven't binged lately though :D and i'm restricting very well. Only eat solid food like twice a day usually a granola bar in the morning then nothing til dinner which I haven't been finishing. So my intakes have been under 1000, sometimes under 600 or 400 even. I weighed myself this morning. 154.2 yay!!!!

I have a new goal. I will get to 145 by my Thanksgiving break. It starts on the 22nd. So I have...17 days to lose 9.2 lbs. EASY!

My present for reaching it? I will  go to American Eagle and buy a dress for the holiday. I already picked it out. I hopefully will be able to buy a size 6.

Here's the link for a bigger picture.

http://www.ae.com/web/browse/product.jsp?productId=0394_9624_106&catId=cat5200016

I'm getting it in cream. Found the perfect shoes for it too. Can't decide between silver or gold...I think gold, but when I go buy the dress it will be easier to see which shoes look better with it.

http://www.ae.com/web/browse/product.jsp?productId=0419_2604_709&catId=cat4640024

Other than that I don't have much more to say...for some reason I find that I've stopped binging and purging almost completely, and starving has become easier, natural again...It makes me happy. I will post again soon, Monday for sure, but might post tomorrow too. I don't like posting when I fuck up or am in a slump...last weekend I sort of was...I had fun granted, but I ate like a cow. Which is why I was gone all week. Not anymore though :)

Have a lovey weekend, well, the rest of it. :)

<3 Toxic

ABC Diet. Day 2

500 cals (or less)

Day 2, I was freaking out earlier....but I'm ok now :) came home and was so hungry, and pizza just got out of the oven. I calculated 1 piece and it wouldn't put me over my limit so I ate it. All done. No more food for the rest of the day.

intake:469 cals

Healthy Choice soup- 180 cals
wheat toast, plain- 70 cals
1 slice cheese pizza- 219 cals

I hope my weight drops tomorrow morning, I have a horrible feeling that i'm retaining water weight, though idk cause I've been (tmi) peeing a lot today. We'll see tomorrow, the scale never lies. I need it to be lower so I feel more motivated, cause tomorrow is only 300 cals. Not that I can't do that, but idk...temptation just seems so...tempting. Hopefully I will wake up tomorrow and have a more focused perspective.

Had some diet pop and water, which I'm not going to count. It feels like cheating cause it was like 4 cals for the pop, but even with that I still stayed under 500.

Work at 10 tonight til 6am. Idk how I'm going to make it through. Coffee? Maybe...I hope I'm not too exhausted. After being at school all day then this...I won't faint though :) for sure. Maybe around day 25 I might, but not now. Oh and weight this morning was 154.2. yay!

Comments:
@Scarlett-I can't wait to see myself in 50 days :) I'm already losing so much.

Good luck, keep control. It is the greatest thing.
<3 Toxic

ABC Diet. Day 1

I love this diet. :) this is just what I need. I'm excited for the rest of it. I still am not 100% on doing all 50 days, but If I can make it past the 1st fast, which I'm determined to do, than that will be great. Anyways...about the first day.

Day 1, 500 cals (or less)

intake:415 cals.


2 Nature Valley Apple crisp bars- 160 cals
1 giant marshmallow- 90 cals
1 gram cracker- 65 cals
1 tbsp nutella- 100 cals

It was so nice, I didn't eat at all til 5:15. Had lots of water today too. I weighed myself before I went to work and omg lost since last week. CW:155.4 which was nice to see. :)

So ya, that's me (now) can't wait to see myself at my GW...I'm so excited. If I do do the ABC for the full length, I will reach day 50 on December 14th, just in time for Christmas. Wow, I love having control. Let's pray I keep it. I must! I'm going to get some sleep now though, I need it for my long day tomorrow, school and work. At least I'll be too busy to eat.

<3 Toxic

25 Lbs, and 2 jean sizes.

I'm starting the ABC diet tomorrow. I can't believe it, I've wanted to for a while, but never thought I had the control for it. I really feel like I can do this though. At least for a while. I will take pics and update on my loss. I'm so excited. I just know i'm going to lose weight doing this. I want to lose at least 25 lbs and 2 jean sizes. Hopefully this will get me to enjoy restricting more, and maybe even slow or (I can only hope) stop my bingeing. I bought one of those black composition books and will write my intakes and exercise for each day. Putting quotes in it too. :) I'm gonna walk my dog soon, then probably head off to bed. No school or work tomorrow, so I plan to get plenty of sleep so I'm ready for my first day of the Ana Boot Camp. Wish me luck! :)

@americaneaglelove-I will post often, try to everyday. I'm actually excited to restrict, can't wait til I make it to that first fast day. :) I need to feel empty.

Well, I will post tomorrow with my starting stats, Thin here I come! :)
<3 Toxic

Couples thinspo, cause I keep thinkin about Chad. :) I had another one of those conversations about my eating with him last night before work. "It's ok babe, we'll get through this." "It's only a temporary fix, it's not you, we can beat this together." "I love you... I hate seeing you upset like this, you're amazing, you're so beautiful." his words on my bingeing, and trying to comfort me. I was so close to tears last night, and I DON'T cry. Not in front of people... but my god, I felt so bad...I've been B/P more and more, and when I told him I B/P the night before he said "It's ok babe, I mean when's the last time you've done it? A long time. It's been..." "A few days ago..." "Babe...." Wide eyed, he held me tighter in such loving arms. even though I'm doing such horrid, disgusting things to myself. I love him and this is why I must stop bingeing and stop purging. It's gross. I'm done. Yuck. Ana...embrace me with your perfection...

ABC Diet.

Have any of you tried this? If so could you tell me how it went? I'm curious...

Probably set myself back..... :(

So last night my sister had a Halloween party. All her soccer friends that are seniors came and I helped prepare for the party. I bought them glow sticks and made really yummy cupcakes. I ate So. Fucking. Much. I purged in the bathroom while all her friends, my friend Amber, and my mom and one of the soccer moms were here. No one heard :) and I wasn't too red in the face and eyes. Then I toke an anti-acid, drank water and diet Pepsi the rest of the night. I hung around with the girls for a while after then went to my room to relax cause I had a horrible headache.

I watched some episodes of the UK show on channel4 Supersize vs. Superskinny. I love this series. :)
Well I had to pee soo bad and left my room. Then stayed out and talked with everyone some more. Then for some ungodly reason, my fat stupid greedy ass thinks its ok to have some chips. Then a cupcake, then more chips, then 1 resses cup, then another cupcake, then more chips, and finally a 3rd cupcake. Fucking hate myself. So much. Seriously it's all I can think about right now.

All I've had so far today is water. Waiting for my Ipod to charge some more, then 2mi run.I have to burn so many cals before Tuesday if i'm going to be under 155. I hate myself. Why do I binge? Why is it so hard to stop eating once I  start a binge? I need to stop bingeing.

"A problem? Yes, eating is definitely a problem. Got to stop eating." -Wasted, Marya Hornbacher

I will bike later today too. Also need to finish cleaning my room...It's messy. I hate messy.


Oh and comments. I feel so shitty for not saying anything on a comment left by Scarlett. So I will do that now :) (seriously though I'm a horrible blogger. It's a wonder any of you follow me. )

@Scarlett- Thank you so much. Your encouragement is really nice. :) I still can't believe I used to be a size 14...never again. Ever.

Well, time to run :) Everyone do well today ok? And if you do mess up, don't beat yourself up over it, learn from your mistakes and start again. Never give up. I know, You know, just how bad we want this. Get thin, stay thin.
<3 Toxic

Fuck, Whatever.

I was in a pissy mood, my car sounds like shit right now and I need to get oil and gas before I can really drive it. I need a new car. Mine's about to hit 149K miles....and it hates me. Oh well. I was pissed cause my dad told me to go get oil for the car and when I started it, it sounded like shit so I just said fuck it and stayed home. He told me to wait for my mom to get home and have her take me. Really? Why can't you? So I got mad, came in and measured out a bowl of cereal and almond milk, ate it, was even more pissed. Then I sat and figured out my intake for the day.

Nature Valley apple crisp bar- 80cal
4 chicken nuggets- 176 cal
salad- 15 cal
dressing- 30 cal
mini kitkat- 70 cal
fruit cup- 35 cal
coffee cake- 190 cal
cereal + milk- 145


total= 741 cals.

not. too. bad. :) When I realized I stayed under my 800 limit for today I cheered up. Still a bit cheery now, but the idea of being stuck in a house of food... :'( Waiting for my mom to get home and gonna make her take me to the store then going to see Chad before she finishes dinner so I won't eat. Chad's mom made pork steaks and he's eating now, so I will miss dinner at his house too! :) good day in some ways I guess.

I think i'll finish cleaning my room til she gets here to stay out of the kitchen. Yeah, that sounds like a plan. :) I found my Ipod while cleaning, so now I can have music when I go run and ride my bike.

My intake yesterday was bad idk what it was numbers-wise, but it was very bad. Monday and Tuesday ended up being good and today was very good too. :) I should have lost more weight. :)

When I weighed Tuesday it said 156.6, not to bad, should be under 155 this coming up Tuesday. So I'm excited. So happy my scale works again. It needed new batteries and now its giving me the right weight again? Weird. I don't understand that thing. I will weigh tomorrow and see where i'm at so I can work extra hard over the weekend and lose more before Tuesday. I'm trying to only step on the scale twice a week. Tuesday to record my weight, and Friday to check it. Otherwise I go crazy when I barely change overnight.

Thinspo. Just a few sorry. :)

I love the last one cause it says "keep calm and reach 115 by summer." 115 is my UGW and I wanna be there by then :) Not much more to say...

<3Toxic

Sorry...I think I got it now.

Hello everyone! Toxic is back :) Did you miss me? I did...I haven't felt like myself these past few weeks. I'm so happy to be back on track. My weight....idk what it is...scale is broke. FUCK! I hate it, but i'm sure I've lost. I went down another size. I'M AN 8 NOW! :) A single digit! I'm only two sizes away from a 4, three from a 2 and four from a zero! I was a 14 at my HW it's sooooo nice to fit in an 8, Really, it's amazing.

I'm sipping on some plain black coffee at school now, been awake since 5pm yesterday. Since then I've had:

1 scrambled egg 70cal
1 piece plain wheat toast 70cal          
a bag of pretzel m&ms...(ugh!) 150cal
and a mini snickers (ugh!) 80cal

Candy is bad. It's 3:30 and I don't get done with school til 7 so :) I think i'll have some mickey mouse chicken nuggets when I get home...cause I just LOVE them...idk just they are so cute! I promise I will have no more than 6. A serving is 5...and thats 210 cals...so 252 cals most. Gonna try em with mustard. I love mustard right now... 0 cals! And sooooo good.

Went for a 2mi run this morning at 6am with my brother, he's home for Fall Break. It was so nice, gonna start running every morning I have class. So MWF, 2 miles :) sounds nice.

I have been purging more often....it's become a weekly thing. :( But I have a philosophy that I hope will stop the binge/purge cycle I sometimes find myself in...I have it written in my notebook for school.

"If I take nothing in, I don't need to take anything out." 

I'm also dropping all soda from my diet. None at all, even diet ones. I'm gonna stick with coffee, tea (only 0 cal ones) and lovely lovely water. 

OMG I got the scariest, creepiest, most lovely fortune in a fortune cookie the other day,It made me happy, maybe it is trying to tell me I can really do this this time. :) It said something like (Can't remember exactly...) "You aim for perfection, and won't stop until you achieve it." I'll double check the exact wording when I get home.

Thinspo!!!!!!! Some nice Fall ones...I wish I was this cute in a sweater.

Ok, I have to go to my Food and Nutrition class now. Glad to be back, :) gonna comment on all your lovely bloges tonight.

<3 Toxic

Break.

Taking a short break from blogger. I know, haven't really posted at all lately.  To everyone who follows, sorry. Trying to get my life together...well at least a little. I promise to post in the next 3 weeks.

<3 and miss everyone
Toxic

Yay! Progress.

weight-159.0. finally under 160. Lose more before Monday? duh. :) So ya, I'm in a very good mood to say the least. I ended up eating some Chinese and some cereal yesterday (Oh and an energy drink). after my post, so my cal intake was 815 for the day. Still...not bad. Pretty good if I woke up to 159 lbs.

Going to stay under 1000 cals today. Shouldn't be a problem, actually that should be easy as hell. I will update soon. Been lazy when it comes to commenting on blogs, so I'll try and get all caught up with everyone maybe tonight. :)

I need to find something to do today...it's just one of those days, where I have nothing to do at all...well I guess I can do my homework, but that is boring and I was going to do that tonight rather than during the day...maybe I'll go shopping...but I don't wanna spend all my money...hmm I don't know.

Not much else to say, Hope everyone has a great day, remember to work towards your goals cause I know you all can achieve them. :)
<3 Toxic

I'm going hungry.

School, break time.

I feel bad because I don't even try to hide my eating habits anymore. I know I should, but...
1.I'm not sick/mental/ect.
2.I want to be this way
3.It's my body, my health, and my life
4.I need this...
5.I'm over 18 so they can't institutionalize me, unless it gets to a point where i'm dying. Which i'm not. I'm still too fat for that. Also I think they have to prove me insane first. hahahaha :)

I'm so happy I have a running buddy now. :) My friend Ryan and me went running and ran 2.5 miles, we are going to try and go every other day. He's in track and wants to prepare for track season in the spring. We are trying to get where we can run the whole park (1.5 miles) without stopping. I'm getting better, and really truly love running. I get such a rush from it. I love how he's not lazy like the rest of my friends.

Oh my weight. As of this morning 161.2. FUCK! I need to get lower asap. I will, promise.

Today's intake:
85cal   Toast (40 cal bread, 30 cal non fat cream cheese, 15 cal blue berries)
20cal   Monster (blue one)

Total:105 :D

I won't eat til my 2nd break. I'm actually gonna head home for it. I need to get money from my mom and print my speech homework. Get a salad or small sandwich then. idk yet. Keeping today's intake under 500. It's gonna be a piece of....lettuce. :)

Comments:
@lulu-Thank you! I try to find thinspo that is good/different. I'm glad you like it. Yumachi is my thinspo and style icon. I wanna look like her when I'm thin. I even have her hair style :) Though my hair is red. I want to be small like her so when I go to Japan next I can buy cute gal style clothes at shibuya 109.

Well, nothing else to say. I need to do some math homework. It's due Friday and I didn't finish my last assignment so this one I have to get 100%. np. :) Will update tonight before work.
<3 Toxic

From the top.

Well my fast Friday went very very well. :) I wrote down every hour for 24 hours on a piece of notebook paper and when an hour past I'd put a check mark next to it. :) I went a little over 24 hours. I feel so good about it. Ate spaghetti at 3:30 today and haven't eaten since. I'm so confident and proud that I'm starting a fast again now. :) I will put the times in this post and update for each hour I go without food.

5pm :)
6pm :)
7pm :)
8pm :)
9pm
10pm
11pm
12am
1am
2am
3am
4am
5am
6am
7am
8am
9am
10am
11am
12pm
1pm
2pm
3pm
4pm

Comments-
@lottie-It is strange how after a while the emptiness can feel so good. It's almost like a high :) The meeting went well, but I didn't have a hoodie and the room was so cold. Also it was a lot of information I already knew about. There were some freshman there and they were explaining stuff about the school to them that me and the other sophomores already know about...but it went well :)

Wish me luck! I'm cleaning my car now, then my room, then laundry. Chad toke my bike to the shop and got my chain fixed, so I might even go on a bike ride today. Who knows. :) I love having control of my hunger.
<3 Toxic

Coffee. And nothing else at all.

I'm in a euphoric state of happiness. Right now going on a 17 hour fast. Gonna shoot for 24 hrs+ no excuses. OMG this guy I go to school with who I haven't seen yet this semester just was talking to me and he said I lost a lot of weight since he last saw me and that I look great. I love when people notice, cause I sure as hell don't.

Sipping coffee now, got a meeting at 1 til 3. So fasting is too damn easy today. :) Fell asleep at Chad's around 4am. We were watching Thor and it hit me, I hadn't ate in 8 hours and I started counting on my fingers to make sure. He looked questioningly at me smiling. "Oh just thinking" :D Big smile when I  realized how good I was doing. Threw my arms around his neck and kissed him. That's when I made my resolution to fast for at least 24 hours. (Oh and he would not stop calling me beautiful last night.) I was a sweet, good girl and just smiled, all the while thinking "DELUSIONAL!" hahaha. He woke me up at 7 so I'd make it to class and even had a big pot of black coffee made for me. :) so wonderful....

I am just so in love with my stomach right now, soooo empty it was growling in class but no one noticed...I think. :) Well, time for my scholarship meeting. I'll be on tonight to comment on all your blogs. :)
<3 much, Toxic

Sigh.

Sitting at school, big sweater that I'm so happy to finally wear, bought it when back to school shopping but it's been too warm. So chilly out, but still so nice. A girl just sat down in front of me with her other skinny friend. Sigh. She's so skinny, even skinnier than her pretty friend who was already there. She's wearing a big hoodie and is absolutely drowning in it, on her computer like me, sipping her diet coke like I would be if I didn't just drink a sugar free 15 cal Red Bull on the drive back up to campus. I sit here, admiring her thin face and long thin hands wondering to myself....Is she like me?

I wonder...

I wish I didn't have anymore classes today...but I do, until 6:45. Then I work at 8 so I have a one hour break between then. During which I'm going to go for a run and then quick shower so I'm not all sweaty at work. Not a long run, just a mile. I remembered that I have to do arm exercises tonight. Last night I worked out and concentrated on my core and legs. I'm gonna get that thigh gap damn it! Tonight, arms, core, and some leg. Any good arm workouts you girls want to recommend?

I know! I'll post some thinspo. but what kind....hmmm I know! Yumachi. She's my favorite Japanese model, and she's soooooo thin.

I wish it was time for class already...I love food and nutrition...It's my next class. I'm so anxious right now I can't sit still. Well, I never can, but that's not the point. :) Chad is at his interview now and I'm waiting to hear how it went. Also I really gotta pee. Like bad. So I'm going to wrap this up. Hope there aren't any typos on here...don't have time to check, gotta pee!

<3 Toxic 

Blah.

Didn't know what to title this post. :) This morning I was 161.8 going back down! :) I did just eat however and feel kinda shitty cause I had my sandwich with mustard and a mountain of lettuce that filled me up...but for some reason I thought eh, I want something sweet and ate a bunch of puppy chow. Seriously we have so much, if someone doesn't eat the rest I'm throwing it away. I can't have it in the house anymore...Well... I'll have a salad before I work at 8 and call it a day. No other food whatsoever.

My last post was really long so to any of you who read it, thank you.

I don't have much else to say except it's so nice out again I think I'll run before my next class.  Waiting for Chad to text me back. He has an interview today at the place where I work...I'm not really sure how I feel about working with my boyfriend...though I usually work overnights so it's unlikely we will ever see each other at work. I'm so excited though, with us both working we can afford a place of our own :) He wants me to live with him so bad...and I want out of my house too. I've been looking online at apartments all day.

Comments:
@Veronica-Thanks for reading my super long post. :) It's so nice to hear you have a wonderful supportive boyfriend too. Hope all is well.

Well...that's all I really have to say for now. I'm not giving up on getting under 160 before Monday. It's time for me to go work my butt off. Trying to get to 158 by Monday actually, but we'll see.Till next time...
<3 Toxic

Weakness. (Also I told Chad.)

Damn it, damn it damn it!!!! Loss of control. Like really badly. I ate sooo much this weekend. On the plus side didn't gain from last Monday. I'm at 163.2 now, so I HAVE to lose at least 3.3 lbs by next week. I'm shooting for 4 cause:
1.I know I can do this.
2.I need to regain control of this if I'm ever going to reach my goals.
3.I have to be thin!!!!!!!!!
4.I wanna be a size 8 so I can buy new jeans. I refuse to buy another size 10.
5.I WANNA BE THIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So ya, as much as I ate, I should consider myself lucky I didn't gain. Today was a great day. biked off 316.2 cals, ate good food like a salad, tuna, and a sandwich that i spread through out the day. I shouldn't have ate so much, however at least it wasn't like pizza, chips, cookies, ect. I did have a little bit of puppy chow just now, but felt so guilty that before I could binge on it. I looked into the bowl said to myself (in my head) that there was only one way to have control and I stopped eating right there. No more food tonight. OH! and I haven't had pop in a while. I've started drinking diet pop, but I'm quitting carbonated bevs. Yep, done. I'm trying to see a bright side/bright future but it's hard when I barely even lost.
Forgot today's Labor Day and I didn't have school, so I have to wait and get my ID Wednesday when I'm on break between my classes. Then gym! :) I'm so exicted!
Oh, and still no pic of my hair...next post for sure. Promise.

Comments:
@lulu-Thank you! Yeah, I can't believe that now someone knows besides people who read this blog. His reaction was everything I had hoped for but never expected.
@Sophie-Thank you :) I guess it is kinda dainty, but I want a road bike so I can work out harder on my bike.

@anon-You're right! I just gave myself the lee-way of losing 2 lbs a week. But I could be at 140 by Halloween. I'm gonna shoot for that. Then I could be at 125 by Thanksgiving! :)
@lulu-Ya, I'm already getting bullshit info on what is needed to live, my teacher is also fat. So I'm just going to get the scientific facts on what food is doing to my body and what has the fewest cals.
@Nicole-Yeah, you're right. I toke your advice today too. Tuna and salad. Good foods. Also low cal foods!:)
@Caca-I love that I have someone who is near my weight that I can use to motivate myself. I will follow your blog for sure! Let's reach our goals together!
@Sophie-Thank you for your support, and I will have better weigh ins soon!
@Lindsay-You really don't know how much I love to hear that. I'm so happy I can inspire people sometimes.
@lottie-the class is fun, and thank you so much for the ideas. I have a thinspo tab now. :)


So as I said I told Chad. I told him about my barely eating and weight obsessions. That I might have an eating disorder. It went (almost) exactly like this:

We were lying on his bed, he knew something was wrong with me I told him: "I want to tell you, but I don't want you to worry about me and tell other people." He looked deep in my eyes "Babe.. I love you. I wouldn't ever do anything you didn't want me to, even if I was worried, I wouldn't tell anyone if you didn't want me to." "But what if what I'm doing could be potentially harmful to myself?" "I'd help you myself. Whatever it is, we'll get through it together." I rolled over. "I can't tell you, I just can't. You don't understand, no one knows about this. The thing is, even though I know it's wrong, I like the way I am, I'm happy and content with it. It's what helps me live with myself...but at the same time I want to tell you so bad. I hate keeping this secret. I love you so much I just..." "It's ok, you'll tell me when you're ready, I love you" I rolled over and kissed him. "I love you too" Then I rolled back away from him and it felt so right...it just came out. "I don't,always...eat..." silence. He turned me over. "Babe..." Eyes wide he threw his arms around me. Then I explained it to him. The constant fear, weighing myself nonstop, the hate I feel towards myself, the counting, the exercise, the lying about eating when I have not. "and that's why I have those dizzy spells, when I grab my phone and don't let you see what I'm sending, I'm actually calculating my calories...""why that doughnut made you sick the other day?" "Yeah, that is probably why, I mean that's all I ate...I didn't even want it either, I just wanted to be a little normal for you. And you are helping, since I've been with you I've been more 'normal' though I don't like being normal, I want to be better, be perfect." "Babe I love you for your imperfections..." "You don't even believe me I bet. I don't know why I told you..." "I do believe you babe, you wouldn't lie about something like this, I know you wouldn't." "But I'm not even thin, I'm fat!" "You're not fat, your not a stick either and that what I love about you babe." "So you believe me?" "Yes, actually I've been a little suspicious...from the first time I've seen you, then the day I asked you out and you were wearing those shorts at the beach...you had gotten so much smaller..." "You won't tell anyone?" "No, I love you and promise, even if you get to 100 lbs, I won't tell. I'll help you babe." "I love you soo much. You don't know how happy you've made me. I love you more than anything in the whole world Chad."

...and that's it. I just told him. He has been so good to me too since then, he doesn't bother me to eat and when I get upset like the other night, he tells me we can go run, bike, whatever I want. He promises it will get better, and...I believe him. I will get thin, I have to, I want to.

Stay strong. I'm going to work out and clean my room before I work at midnight. Also check my thinspo and starts tabs, I updated.
<3Toxic

Stats.

I know I said I would't post until Monday, but I updated my stats tab. Check it out if you want. I put even current pics up that I toke last night. (Ya that's me, the fat chick...well for now, that's all gonna change. :)

I will post on your comments in my next post too. Until Monday...
<3Toxic

Busy.

With school, work, my boyfriend, friends, and exercising, I've been too busy to post. So this will be a short one, basically just updates.

1.I bought a speed-o-meter for my bike that also counts cals burned :)
2.My weight is going down and I plan to be in the 150s again on Monday (more determined than ever.)
3.I'm having so much fun at school, but need to get a new student ID Monday so I can use the gym.
4.Think the girl who sits next to me in food and nutrition has an ED, whether she does or not, I plan to become friends with her, she seems really nice. :)
5.Dyed my hair again (same color) It looks great and I will have a pic in my next post.
6.This is the biggest update of all....I told Chad about my eating problems. Don't worry it actually went quite well, he was very understanding and he promises to never to tell a single soul. He supports me and everything. Oh and I love him. :D

Ya, that's it for now. And as promised, finally gonna post a pic of my bike. (Click for higher resolution.) :)

When I post next, It probably won't be until Monday, but on the plus side, my weight will be in the 150s when I post next. :) Over all good day today, and though I'm not sure of the number of cals, my intake today was really good. Stay strong, love you all!!!!!!!!
<3Toxic

(UGH!!!!! My fucking sister stole my sports bra again!!!) I fucking hate her... >:(

Fresh Start.

So, I'm back in school :) I love it, only 215 cals today. Had 1.5 servings of coco puffs with 1 cup almond milk for breakfast. Won't be able to eat until 7, and I work at 10. So i'm might just skip it all together. I'm so hungry right now, but I'm just sort of enjoying this feeling.

My break is done in 30 minutes, then I go to what i think might just become my favorite class, food and nutrition. One of our assignments for this class is to keep a 3 day record of what we eat. hahaha yeah...about that. Guess I'm just gonna lie through my teeth. Oh, and later in the semester we will be studying EDs. Should be interesting this course...

My weight got back up to 164.4, so I am starting over in way...I plan to be at 140 by Thanksgiving. Shouldn't be too hard :) I even made a new chart on the back of my door. I put it up over the old one that started at 190.6. I am more determined than ever to keep Ana close and Mia away. I hate purging soooo much. It's not who I want to be. So as long as I don't binge really bad I shouldn't need to. I haven't binged since school started!! Which is also when i weight at 164.4. Mondays are my new "official" weigh in days, cause I don't stay over at Chad's house so I'm guaranteed to be near my scale on Monday morning :)

This also led me to redesign my blog. I hope you all like it, please comment on what you would like changed, colors, fonts, ect. Also I'm adding tabs to it! :) So far I have one for my personal stats and one for safe foods. Any other tab suggestions?

Ok, i'm off to class. Stay strong everyone!
<3 Toxic

Tomorrow, A new day. Tonight, a new night.

I still have yet to start my soup diet...Just been eating a lot cause me and Chad are always together, so I eat when he does...and he eats a lot. Brother's going away breakfast at McDonald's this morning. Chad went with and a whole bunch of other bmx riders and skateboarders came too. I had a black coffee and one of those bacon egg cheese bagel things. I didn't eat all of it! :) left the last bit of it and then threw it away. Just had a sloppy joe though... :( no more food for the rest of the day. :) promise. Then fast tomorrow which should be easy cause Chad is going out of town to bike at this huge indoor park. YAY! NO FOOD FOR ME!! :) Then soup diet for 3 days. (already bought some soup.)

Last night, we had sex again, and I felt horrible. Got him off with a blow job, then we went right back at it, this time intercourse, and he couldn't keep it up. ugh, I'm so fat and disgusting is probably one reason why, and boring. We were lying in bed and I was so upset cause I had eaten 3 pieces of pizza, a parfait, and root beer float. (I know I'm a disgusting fat ass.) He asked me what was wrong and I told him I was just upset with myself. He thought it was the whole sex issue and I said no, and admitted it was because I was thinking about the fact that I ate too much today. He told me it's all ok, that he loves me, and we could go for a bike ride tomorrow. At this I smiled and threw my arms around him (still feeling like shit, but happy he's willing to help and make me feel better.) I grabbed at my red string bracelet to fix it. He looked down and asked me "What's the story behind this thing?" I told him there is no story, and it was just tied on and I didn't want to take it off and ruin it cause the knot is so tight....

But I wanted to tell him so bad. I don't like keeping such a big secret from him. It's different from keeping it from everyone else...ya know? I can't tell him though. No matter what, I can't. Because what if I do, and then he's all worried and tries to force me to eat?!?! I'd hate that. This starving/intense exercising/(occasional) purging...it's a part of me. The one thing I have that is all my own, and it makes me happy. Just wish I didn't binge so much...but my bingeing has become more rare, and I have been able to stop myself before it gets too out of control. I also wonder, what if I told him, and because he loves me so much, he somehow understands and lets me live how I do? If he stops offering me food, ignores my growling stomach when we're lying in bed,  doesn't question me when I constantly turn down food, and even cheers me on and supports me when I lose lbs and go down sizes? ah...then he really would be the perfect boyfriend....If we all had someone like that in our lives? How wonderful it would be...

But I'm so happy and lucky to have all of you on here. You all are such great people. Your support, love, and understanding helps get me through some of my darkest days. I truly mean these words, and I wish to be there for you all when you need me too. If you ever need someone, I will try my best to be there and offer a helping, caring hand. Don't hesitate to message me toxicwastedgal@hotmail.com
You're all amazing, truly.
<3 Toxic

oh ya, and some thinspo :) Tine-y tiny waists!